Aries You will swear off drugs forever when, while enjoying a Pink Floyd album, your stereo tells you it is going to cut you into tiny little pieces.
Taurus Friends from out of town drop in unexpectedly this week and leave only after taking your thumbs and the $25,000 you owe them.
Gemini Your last remaining sexual fantasy is shattered this week when you finally pause to think about how old Tina Turner actually is.
Cancer Earth magicks are very strong in Cancer this week, primarily because you have not bothered to wash yourself in quite some time.
Leo Your career as a Christian singer and strong belief in an interventionist God both end this week when you are flipped out of your sport-utility vehicle and run over by a tractor-trailer rig.
Virgo Saturn’s presence in Virgo results in powerful unseen vibrations. They are called “gravity waves,” but the inverse-square law states that they are much too far away to affect you.
Libra A mysterious, swashbuckling sexual demon will plague your town, but your name does not come up at all during the investigation.
Scorpio You and your best friend will become shipwrecked on a small desert island. Because of your unusually strong bond, it will be almost a week before she eats you.
Sagittarius You brush your teeth for the first time in years this week, causing you to bleed to death from the gums.
Capricorn Because of Monday Night Football, Capricorn will not be shown this week.
Aquarius A reunion with your big-city cousin gets ugly when he turns out to be a gibbering, shaven-headed lunatic.
Pisces You will be sentenced to death by firing squad this week for the sole purpose of entertaining the governor.
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