Horoscope for the week of October 15, 2003

Horoscope ISSUE 39•40 Oct 15, 2003
  • Aries You're finally entering the period of life in which the things that you want to do greatly outnumber the things that you will eventually do.
  • Taurus You will reluctantly reach the conclusion that those snobs at Artforum don't know a goddamn thing about death metal.
  • Gemini The way to respond to a stupid question is to pretend not to hear it, which is why your friends all seem to have hearing problems.
  • Cancer An elite squad of international assassins will target you, in an effort to make sure that the secrets behind your famous chili stay secret.
  • Leo Keep in mind that the accepted order is rape, then pillage, and then burn.
  • Virgo Everyone has one of those uncles who knows how to use a rifle, add a deck to the house, and catch a trout—everyone, that is, except for your nephew.
  • Libra Seeing the look on the cop's face when he found the tiger in your apartment was pretty cool, but it wasn't really worth the horrible lacerations you received.
  • Scorpio After everyone has spoken, there will be an awkward, 90-second silence, at which point people will agree that you've been eulogized enough.
  • Sagittarius The debate on whether we have a shame- or a guilt-based society is complicated when, due to some odd circumstances, you kill a man by shitting your pants.
  • Capricorn George Jones predicted that you will stop loving her today, but he left the exact method for doing so ambiguous.
  • Aquarius You'll finally learn the basics of poetic meter and scansion, but by then, it'll be too late for them to do you any good.
  • Pisces Once again, you'll be surprised by how many of your troubles can be traced back to that smelly old couch.