Horoscope for the week of October 15, 2003

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Aries You're finally entering the period of life in which the things that you want to do greatly outnumber the things that you will eventually do.

Taurus You will reluctantly reach the conclusion that those snobs at Artforum don't know a goddamn thing about death metal.

Gemini The way to respond to a stupid question is to pretend not to hear it, which is why your friends all seem to have hearing problems.

Cancer An elite squad of international assassins will target you, in an effort to make sure that the secrets behind your famous chili stay secret.

Leo Keep in mind that the accepted order is rape, then pillage, and then burn.

Virgo Everyone has one of those uncles who knows how to use a rifle, add a deck to the house, and catch a trout—everyone, that is, except for your nephew.

Libra Seeing the look on the cop's face when he found the tiger in your apartment was pretty cool, but it wasn't really worth the horrible lacerations you received.

Scorpio After everyone has spoken, there will be an awkward, 90-second silence, at which point people will agree that you've been eulogized enough.

Sagittarius The debate on whether we have a shame- or a guilt-based society is complicated when, due to some odd circumstances, you kill a man by shitting your pants.

Capricorn George Jones predicted that you will stop loving her today, but he left the exact method for doing so ambiguous.

Aquarius You'll finally learn the basics of poetic meter and scansion, but by then, it'll be too late for them to do you any good.

Pisces Once again, you'll be surprised by how many of your troubles can be traced back to that smelly old couch.

More Horoscope

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Horoscope for the week of October ... » (October 22, 2003)

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