• Aries Aries: On first dates, remember that just derailing the Amtrak isn't enough. It's how you derail the train that counts.
  • Taurus Trouble looms on the romantic front when your girlfriend returns from a hard day of doughnut baking to discover you getting to third base with your pet bluegill.
  • Gemini You will be beaten to death in public for mocking the big band-era recordings of Frank Sinatra.
  • Cancer Unspeakable tragedies will strike Cancer this week, but the look on your face will be just priceless.
  • Leo Shortly after your impending death, many surprising truths of the afterlife will be revealed to you. It's not too late to begin praying to the postman.
  • Virgo Buying your spouse that big flashlight may have been a mistake. Now you must apologize for everything you've ever done or gum your food for the rest of your life.
  • Libra When the revolution comes, Libra will be the first star sign lined up against the wall and shot.
  • Scorpio Your name will be mentioned over 40 times in the president's proposal for a new, nationwide "shitass tax."
  • Sagittarius Years of bad blood between you and the colonel finally boil over, resulting in the bloodiest moonshine war your part of the suburbs has ever seen.
  • Capricorn You will cry because you have no shoes until you meet a man who has no feet. Then you will laugh your ass off.
  • Aquarius A visit to a lightbulb plant leads to adventure. Stock up on tweezers, needle-nose pliers, and other implements that may useful in removing glass shards from your skin.
  • Pisces Your fairy godmother will finally hear your pleas for help. However, her only response will be to appear in the corner, sharpen her magical melon baller, and squint ominously.