• Aries No force in Creation can stop you from enjoying a delicious fried-egg sandwich on your lunch break.
  • Taurus Your life's problems will be put in proper perspective when you realize that, compared to the plague that swept Europe in the 12th century, they're still pretty bad.
  • Gemini There must be a better way to tell your ex-husband the difficult things you need to tell him. Like, say, on the Louisiana Superdome Jumbotron.
  • Cancer Try not to read too much into little details. It may mean nothing that your heart surgeon is named Dr. Chopsalott.
  • Leo Due to your lack of skill and experience, your new cooking show has been named Reheating With Leo.
  • Virgo Your belief that a phone call from your mother-in-law is worse than cancer will be tested when you get both next Thursday.
  • Libra The stars predict that hemlines are going to rise next season, but not nearly as much as you'd like.
  • Scorpio You will soon meet the man you'll spend the rest of your life with. Shortly after that, you'll meet the man you'll want to spend the rest of your life with.
  • Sagittarius You will find yourself enjoying a farcical, tune-filled, three-act romp that was supposed to be a meeting of the House Subcommittee on Economic Policy.
  • Capricorn In a famous passage from Shakespeare, Hamlet says, "To thine own self be true." In that sense, you are a Shakespearean fuck-up.
  • Aquarius You will discover incontrovertible proof that Lynn Anderson did, in fact, promise you a rose garden.
  • Pisces You will find yourself watching hour after hour of The Weather Channel next Friday, hoping to find out how the whole thing ends.