Horoscope

10.18.00 | ISSUE 36•37

  • Aries One man truly can make a difference, assuming he's willing to drive a loaded schoolbus into the base of a dam.
  • Taurus Your new "AbBlaster" turns out to be a kidney belt rigged with dynamite. You must admit, though, it really works.
  • Gemini A family isn't your "adopted family" just because you moved into their basement without telling them.
  • Cancer Sorry, we accidentally printed an old horoscope for Cancer last week. It should have read, "Beware of terrorists while your Navy destroyer is refueling." We apologize for any inconvenience.
  • Leo Come to think of it, Leo really shouldn't have said "strong, dark, mysterious stranger" last week when it meant "enraged lowland gorilla that suddenly appears out of nowhere."
  • Virgo There's something about you that inspires former president Jimmy Carter to build you house after house.
  • Libra The stars indicate that you should really eat more carrots, which would help your night vision and enable you to read the stock tips.
  • Scorpio Lately, you just haven't been able to muster your usual enthusiasm for a stack of properly collated color copies.
  • Sagittarius You will certainly have a lot of problems in the week ahead, but a lack of running sores will not be among them.
  • Capricorn Hours of confusion and consternation will end when you realize that the guy with the long face who walked into the bar the other night was actually a horse.
  • Aquarius Wednesday will be mild, with highs around 65º and a slight chance of morning showers.
  • Pisces If you're wondering if this is another one of those grisly-death horoscopes, relax: You will die peacefully in bed Sunday.

    • Past Horoscopes

    • February 7, 2012

      Aries The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you're supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car. Taurus That person you've been see...

    • January 31, 2012

      Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantl...

    • January 24, 2012

      Aries Your death next week will seem in­explicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub...

    • January 17, 2012

      Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique aff...

    • January 10, 2012

      Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t...

    • January 3, 2012

      Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ...

    • December 6, 2011

      Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it. Taurus You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from gett...

    • November 15, 2011

      Aries They say your problem is inoperable, but they're wrong: It's just incurable. Go ahead and do all the operating you want. Taurus You've never believed you were the poisoning type, but judging from all the news cover...

    • November 8, 2011

      Aries A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it's merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren't actual brothers. Taurus Betrayal, treason, and vile cal-umny will...

    See All Horoscopes
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