Horoscope for the week of October 18, 2000

Horoscope ISSUE 36•37 Oct 18, 2000
  • Aries One man truly can make a difference, assuming he's willing to drive a loaded schoolbus into the base of a dam.
  • Taurus Your new "AbBlaster" turns out to be a kidney belt rigged with dynamite. You must admit, though, it really works.
  • Gemini A family isn't your "adopted family" just because you moved into their basement without telling them.
  • Cancer Sorry, we accidentally printed an old horoscope for Cancer last week. It should have read, "Beware of terrorists while your Navy destroyer is refueling." We apologize for any inconvenience.
  • Leo Come to think of it, Leo really shouldn't have said "strong, dark, mysterious stranger" last week when it meant "enraged lowland gorilla that suddenly appears out of nowhere."
  • Virgo There's something about you that inspires former president Jimmy Carter to build you house after house.
  • Libra The stars indicate that you should really eat more carrots, which would help your night vision and enable you to read the stock tips.
  • Scorpio Lately, you just haven't been able to muster your usual enthusiasm for a stack of properly collated color copies.
  • Sagittarius You will certainly have a lot of problems in the week ahead, but a lack of running sores will not be among them.
  • Capricorn Hours of confusion and consternation will end when you realize that the guy with the long face who walked into the bar the other night was actually a horse.
  • Aquarius Wednesday will be mild, with highs around 65º and a slight chance of morning showers.
  • Pisces If you're wondering if this is another one of those grisly-death horoscopes, relax: You will die peacefully in bed Sunday.