Horoscope for the week of October 2, 1996

Horoscope ISSUE 30•08 Oct 2, 1996
  • Aries Your continuing hair loss leaves you with what some may call a bald spot. Only you will know that it is in truth a solar panel for a sex machine.
  • Taurus Trouble continues on the romantic front this week when you discover that marriage is not a word—it's a sentence.
  • Gemini With winter on its way, keep in mind that sex is like snow—you never know how long it will last or how many inches you will get.
  • Cancer You will soon realize your forbidden fantasy of having two men—one cooking and one cleaning.
  • Leo Gender issues at the office force you to face the fact that when God created Man, she was only kidding.
  • Virgo Saturn and Venus align in Virgo this week, so if it has tits or wheels it'll give you trouble.
  • Libra An unexpected accident will cause you to give up bowling for sex, which is fortunate because you won’t have to wear special shoes and the balls are lighter.
  • Scorpio Mars descendant in Scorpio indicates that you would rather push a Ford than drive a Chevy.
  • Sagittarius Tragedy strikes this week, when you are informed by doctors that you suffer from CRS Disease—Can't Remember Shit.
  • Capricorn A shift in the power structure at work leaves you with a dilemma: Do you want to speak to the man in charge— or the woman who knows what's going on?
  • Aquarius A milestone looms before you on your life’s road. Reassure yourself by considering that "forty" is not "the F-word."
  • Pisces A conflict between responsibility and self-indulgence is resolved when you remember that you can always retake a class, but you can never relive a party.