Aries Somehow, it's even more insulting that the circus to which you've been sold is huge in Finland.
Taurus You'll go crazy if you can't remember the other good song by Question Mark & The Mysterians. Which is too bad, because Taurus isn't going to help you.
Gemini You realize that it's pointless to worry about dying before your time. You've been way ahead of schedule for years now.
Cancer Not that anyone asked them, but the stars believe that a pair of squabbling adult stepsisters sharing an apartment is a great idea for a sitcom.
Leo You have very little say in your fate or what will eventually befall you, but don't let that keep you from voting.
Virgo Just so you know, fate doesn't necessarily have something special in store for you just because nothing particularly notable has happened to you yet.
Libra This week will be unlike any you've ever experienced, but that has a lot less to do with you than it does the flaws in the space-time continuum.
Scorpio You deserve to burn to death screaming in front of a national TV audience. If it's any consolation, it would have happened whether you'd deserved it or not.
Sagittarius Charles Durning will soon contact you to reiterate that he has no intention of ever working with you.
Capricorn It will be too late by the time you read this, but you became severely allergic to shellfish somewhere along the way.
Aquarius You've always believed that anyone can be forgiven, but you'll find it hard to apply to the busload of sailors currently going down on your mom.
Pisces Time was, if a mysterious fungus started to overgrow your house, you'd have done something. But you've learned a lot about yourself this past year.
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