Horoscope for the week of October 20, 2004

Horoscope ISSUE 40•42 Oct 20, 2004
  • Aries The forecast for your immediate vicinity is partly cloudy, which will provide a welcome relief from the tiny thunderstorm that's been following you around.
  • Taurus A judge once said he couldn't define pornography, but he knew it when he saw it. That's how you feel about paella.
  • Gemini You're well on your way to setting a world record for receiving the world's longest lap dance, but it's been interfering with your work as an airline pilot.
  • Cancer If you've ever wanted to tour the world while being held against your will in a container ship, this is your lucky week.
  • Leo You've often wondered who's responsible for all this fucked-up shit, but that will change Thursday, when you're hired to assist the Director of All This Fucked-Up Shit.
  • Virgo Most solid objects are actually composed of the spaces between the subatomic particles. Then there's your gigantic fat ass.
  • Libra Strangely enough, the only people who remember seeing you at the scene are the eccentric professor, the lovely blonde reporter, the recently thawed caveman, and the hapless politician.
  • Scorpio Nothing can stop you now, but that's a natural consequence of your not trying to do much of anything.
  • Sagittarius The world's vulcanologists would appreciate it if you'd stop trying to take credit for anything and everything that happens at Mount St. Helens.
  • Capricorn You'll survive the incident, but for the rest of your life, you'll be paralyzed with fear at the sight of cumulus clouds, blueberry pancakes, and hockey great Bobby Orr.
  • Aquarius You'll be a free man when the judge and jury are forced to agree that the goat had indeed dressed in a provocative manner.
  • Pisces Your career in immigration law is progressing satisfactorily, but you're still eons away from Martian citizenship.