Aries The forecast for your immediate vicinity is partly cloudy, which will provide a welcome relief from the tiny thunderstorm that's been following you around.
Taurus A judge once said he couldn't define pornography, but he knew it when he saw it. That's how you feel about paella.
Gemini You're well on your way to setting a world record for receiving the world's longest lap dance, but it's been interfering with your work as an airline pilot.
Cancer If you've ever wanted to tour the world while being held against your will in a container ship, this is your lucky week.
Leo You've often wondered who's responsible for all this fucked-up shit, but that will change Thursday, when you're hired to assist the Director of All This Fucked-Up Shit.
Virgo Most solid objects are actually composed of the spaces between the subatomic particles. Then there's your gigantic fat ass.
Libra Strangely enough, the only people who remember seeing you at the scene are the eccentric professor, the lovely blonde reporter, the recently thawed caveman, and the hapless politician.
Scorpio Nothing can stop you now, but that's a natural consequence of your not trying to do much of anything.
Sagittarius The world's vulcanologists would appreciate it if you'd stop trying to take credit for anything and everything that happens at Mount St. Helens.
Capricorn You'll survive the incident, but for the rest of your life, you'll be paralyzed with fear at the sight of cumulus clouds, blueberry pancakes, and hockey great Bobby Orr.
Aquarius You'll be a free man when the judge and jury are forced to agree that the goat had indeed dressed in a provocative manner.
Pisces Your career in immigration law is progressing satisfactorily, but you're still eons away from Martian citizenship.
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