• Aries You discover that your best friend is a man trapped in a woman’s body. You owe it to him to grab a butcher knife and start carving until you get that man out.
  • Taurus The entire Southern region of the U.S. will fall in love with you overnight when you accidentally win three consecutive stock-car races.
  • Gemini Your favorite snack cake contains only four parts per million of radioactive material. Eat a quarter-million of those cakes.
  • Cancer Everyone will laugh at the comeuppance you receive when Joan Jett storms into your house, breaks every bone in your body, and steals your girlfriend.
  • Leo The barren landscape of a shattered marriage will stare you in the face this week when the Monday Night Football announcers fail in their attempts to keep your naked spouse off-camera.
  • Virgo Awkwardness ensues when the ghost of Bob Hope materializes in your office and protests drunkenly that he is not, in fact, dead.
  • Libra Shortly after your death this Friday, many surprising secrets of the afterlife will be revealed to you. It’s not too late to begin praying to the ants.
  • Scorpio You will cry because you have no shoes, until you meet a man who has no feet. Then you will laugh your ass off.
  • Sagittarius You become the butt of all the office jokes this week when you forget to compensate for windage during your presidential assassination attempt.
  • Capricorn Do not hide your light under a bushel. Douse yourself with kerosene and immolate yourself in public.
  • Aquarius An error in translation while travelling results in a delightful, surprise camel-sex escapade.
  • Pisces The adventure novels of Jack London inspire you to move to Alaska, tie yourself to a sled, and demand a whipping.