Aries Your spouse will leave you this week when she catches you sleeping with your ex-wife, a pushy, manipulative woman who died in a car accident last summer.
Taurus Your confusion regarding the "sacroiliac" will continue this week. It sure as hell looks like a plain-old "ass" to you.
Gemini You will by treated well this week when a coffin salesman convinces your mother to buy a much more expensive coffin than you really deserve.
Cancer You will find yourself in your first romantic situation in 10 years, simultaneously discovering that a 1994 accident has left you without feeling below the waist.
Leo Ted Nugent will be rushed to your bedside when you contract a life-threatening case of Cat Scratch Fever.
Virgo You will be proscribed by the American Association Of Poison Control Centers when you are shown to cause convulsions and respiratory failure when inhaled.
Libra You will meet someone special this week, someone who makes you feel as if you will burst with love. When you finally do, dozens perish in the ensuing flames.
Scorpio You will be punished by having your hands surgically removed and displayed in the center of town after publicly referring to yourself as a "netizen."
Sagittarius Your overuse of conditioning shampoo will reduce your hair's Ph to zero, rendering it an incredibly corrosive acid and killing you instantly.
Capricorn An early winter will soon cover you in a beautiful blanket of snow, unless you finally decide to move your lazy ass from the field where you’ve lain since June.
Aquarius The stars can't wait to see the look on your face when that awful thing happens next Thursday night.
Pisces Your husband satisfactorily explains the dozens of uniformed girls when he tells you he’s running a Catholic school.
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