Horoscope for the week of October 21, 1998

Horoscope ISSUE 34•12 Oct 21, 1998
  • Aries Your spouse will leave you this week when she catches you sleeping with your ex-wife, a pushy, manipulative woman who died in a car accident last summer.
  • Taurus Your confusion regarding the "sacroiliac" will continue this week. It sure as hell looks like a plain-old "ass" to you.
  • Gemini You will by treated well this week when a coffin salesman convinces your mother to buy a much more expensive coffin than you really deserve.
  • Cancer You will find yourself in your first romantic situation in 10 years, simultaneously discovering that a 1994 accident has left you without feeling below the waist.
  • Leo Ted Nugent will be rushed to your bedside when you contract a life-threatening case of Cat Scratch Fever.
  • Virgo You will be proscribed by the American Association Of Poison Control Centers when you are shown to cause convulsions and respiratory failure when inhaled.
  • Libra You will meet someone special this week, someone who makes you feel as if you will burst with love. When you finally do, dozens perish in the ensuing flames.
  • Scorpio You will be punished by having your hands surgically removed and displayed in the center of town after publicly referring to yourself as a "netizen."
  • Sagittarius Your overuse of conditioning shampoo will reduce your hair's Ph to zero, rendering it an incredibly corrosive acid and killing you instantly.
  • Capricorn An early winter will soon cover you in a beautiful blanket of snow, unless you finally decide to move your lazy ass from the field where you’ve lain since June.
  • Aquarius The stars can't wait to see the look on your face when that awful thing happens next Thursday night.
  • Pisces Your husband satisfactorily explains the dozens of uniformed girls when he tells you he’s running a Catholic school.