Aries Buy yourself some extremely long bed sheets. You'll be making an escape rope out of them very soon.
Taurus Your pocket Bible will stop an assailant's bullet, but not before it passes through four innocent bystanders, a school-bus gas tank, and your genitals.
Gemini You will learn a valuable lesson about strategic thinking after you write insults in your worst enemy's Advanced Judo handbook.
Cancer After traveling for months, Nashvillian monks will appear at your door to announce that you are the latest incarnation of the Dolly Parton.
Leo Antisthenes wrote, "It is a kingly thing to do good and to then be abused," but that does not mean that you're the king.
Virgo There seems to be a universal force that balances out the good and bad events in our lives. Don't worry about it, though, as nothing ever happens to you.
Libra You'll never know if your "I'm With Stupid" casket was a big hit, but you have the courage of your convictions.
Scorpio There will soon come a time when your happiness depends on where and whether an enormous man catches a ball.
Sagittarius Be assured that the Author of all Creation has a plan for you. Unfortunately, it involves a hackneyed "evil twin" plot twist you'll see coming a mile away.
Capricorn Doctors caution that you cause extreme negative reactions—including rashes, vomiting, and hysteria—in women who may become pregnant.
Aquarius You never thought you'd do anything to set the world on fire, but after a three-month arson investigation, that's what the U.N. tribunal will determine.
Pisces The stars have foretold a night journey over water, so get cracking on those plane tickets, pronto.
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