Horoscope for the week of October 23, 2002

Horoscope ISSUE 38•39 Oct 23, 2002
  • Aries Love is strange. Repeating this fact no matter how you achieve orgasm will vastly aid your mental well-being this week.
  • Taurus Your life will be improved enormously by the sudden appearance of a wisecracking toady who leers over your shoulder and repeats the last word of every sentence you utter.
  • Gemini You've always thought of Death as a journey into the infinite, but it turns out to be a lot more like Harry Dean Stanton.
  • Cancer You just don't have what it takes to be a contemporary man; in spite of your intelligence, compassion, and instinct for fun, there's still the gigantic tits.
  • Leo And to think you laughed when your high-school yearbook named you Most Likely To Be Responsible For The Extinction Of The Frigate Bird.
  • Virgo In spite of your photos, the Church will profess ignorance of the origin of the phrase "Lord love a duck."
  • Libra Yet another great moment in American oration will be ruined by your constant, vicious heckling of Mr. Sandler.
  • Scorpio Your desiccated remains will be found on a desert island along with an empty water bottle, three emergency ration packages, and the exact right CD for the occasion.
  • Sagittarius You're excited to get what you've always deserved until you realize it amounts to $4.27 in pizza coupons.
  • Capricorn You've never considered yourself a genius, which helps you avoid damaging blows to your self-image this Sunday.
  • Aquarius You have always rejected the doctrine of reincarnation as superstitious nonsense, which comes as a great relief to Hindu couples expecting children early next month.
  • Pisces There's no life for you without love, except in the strictest biological and durational sense.