Aries Love is strange. Repeating this fact no matter how you achieve orgasm will vastly aid your mental well-being this week.
Taurus Your life will be improved enormously by the sudden appearance of a wisecracking toady who leers over your shoulder and repeats the last word of every sentence you utter.
Gemini You've always thought of Death as a journey into the infinite, but it turns out to be a lot more like Harry Dean Stanton.
Cancer You just don't have what it takes to be a contemporary man; in spite of your intelligence, compassion, and instinct for fun, there's still the gigantic tits.
Leo And to think you laughed when your high-school yearbook named you Most Likely To Be Responsible For The Extinction Of The Frigate Bird.
Virgo In spite of your photos, the Church will profess ignorance of the origin of the phrase "Lord love a duck."
Libra Yet another great moment in American oration will be ruined by your constant, vicious heckling of Mr. Sandler.
Scorpio Your desiccated remains will be found on a desert island along with an empty water bottle, three emergency ration packages, and the exact right CD for the occasion.
Sagittarius You're excited to get what you've always deserved until you realize it amounts to $4.27 in pizza coupons.
Capricorn You've never considered yourself a genius, which helps you avoid damaging blows to your self-image this Sunday.
Aquarius You have always rejected the doctrine of reincarnation as superstitious nonsense, which comes as a great relief to Hindu couples expecting children early next month.
Pisces There's no life for you without love, except in the strictest biological and durational sense.
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