Horoscope for the week of October 24, 2001

Horoscope ISSUE 37•38 Oct 24, 2001
  • Aries You will meet a dark-haired stranger next week. Actually, you'll meet several, but only one of them is important for our purposes.
  • Taurus You will thoroughly enjoy your study of world history until you realize it isn't supposed to be funny.
  • Gemini You will be greatly relieved to learn that the Bronx Zoo rhino's newborn babies in no way resemble you.
  • Cancer Nothing in the universe can keep you from watching your beloved Green Bay Packers, as the Venusian Space Armada will soon discover.
  • Leo You will move no one when you announce plans to embark on a hunger strike that will last until someone feeds you.
  • Virgo Your psychological affliction will have no serious negative side effects, with the possible exception of a sexual obsession with Greta Van Susteren.
  • Libra You might not believe it now, but dropping 1,500 feet out of a helicopter with only a parachute, compass, and knife will be the easy part of your week.
  • Scorpio Years from now, strangers will stop you on the street and tell you how much they enjoyed the sight of you running from the bear that stole your clothes.
  • Sagittarius You will spend the next 40 years of your life desperately preparing for the final 10.
  • Capricorn You will lose one of your oldest friends in the world when you fly into a violent rage over the sight of an incorrectly used apostrophe.
  • Aquarius Your long, hard journey to manhood after falling off a luxury liner and into a fishing vessel is a source of pride until you learn it was done in a Kipling novel.
  • Pisces Don't eat too many of the free corn chips at your local Mexican restaurant. That's how they get you.