Horoscope for the week of October 25, 2000

Horoscope ISSUE 36•38 Oct 25, 2000
  • Aries You will find yourself feeling strangely disappointed after a night of fairly amazing sex with the 11th most beautiful woman in the world.
  • Taurus Though it seems to make sense, there's just something you don't trust about this newfangled "eat right and exercise" weight-loss plan.
  • Gemini You will earn the gratitude of The New York Times for your unusually humorous contribution to the paper's obituary section.
  • Cancer Don't worry: Men won't realize it's a prosthesis at first, and by the time they do, they'll have paid and gone.
  • Leo Your lifelong fear of caramel apples will finally prove useful, albeit a little too late.
  • Virgo You will spend two years in prison for sodomy, though you were sentenced for embezzling.
  • Libra You will shock the nation when, due to an amazing set of circumstances, you accidentally pass for 347 yards and two touchdowns against the Redskins.
  • Scorpio You will find yourself on the wrong side of Loretta Lynn this weekend when you foolishly come home a-drinkin' with lovin' on your mind.
  • Sagittarius There is nothing you can do to avert what fate holds in store for you this week, mostly because there is nothing you can do at all.
  • Capricorn Though People mentioned your satisfying family life and hobbies, you still think you were put in the magazine because of your fame and good looks.
  • Aquarius You've been on hold for three years now and are beginning to suspect that your call isn't important to them, after all.
  • Pisces You are mystified that, after all these years, people still ask you to explain your constant nudity.