Aries You will find yourself feeling strangely disappointed after a night of fairly amazing sex with the 11th most beautiful woman in the world.
Taurus Though it seems to make sense, there's just something you don't trust about this newfangled "eat right and exercise" weight-loss plan.
Gemini You will earn the gratitude of The New York Times for your unusually humorous contribution to the paper's obituary section.
Cancer Don't worry: Men won't realize it's a prosthesis at first, and by the time they do, they'll have paid and gone.
Leo Your lifelong fear of caramel apples will finally prove useful, albeit a little too late.
Virgo You will spend two years in prison for sodomy, though you were sentenced for embezzling.
Libra You will shock the nation when, due to an amazing set of circumstances, you accidentally pass for 347 yards and two touchdowns against the Redskins.
Scorpio You will find yourself on the wrong side of Loretta Lynn this weekend when you foolishly come home a-drinkin' with lovin' on your mind.
Sagittarius There is nothing you can do to avert what fate holds in store for you this week, mostly because there is nothing you can do at all.
Capricorn Though People mentioned your satisfying family life and hobbies, you still think you were put in the magazine because of your fame and good looks.
Aquarius You've been on hold for three years now and are beginning to suspect that your call isn't important to them, after all.
Pisces You are mystified that, after all these years, people still ask you to explain your constant nudity.
0