• Aries You will be distressed to find yourself listed under "old oil bottles" in your local sanitation department's "recyclopedia."
  • Taurus It's true that your father once said, "When you're 18, you're out of the house," but he meant months, not years.
  • Gemini You will fall victim to a dangerous personality disorder that makes you believe that the personal lives of celebrities are interesting and important.
  • Cancer You are a one-of-a-kind being, unique in the Universe and the most beloved in Creation. Can Cancer have 10 bucks?
  • Leo You will look like a prize jerk next week when your long-distance lover decides not to honor her end of the suicide pact.
  • Virgo Though investigators will have a hard time believing it, evidence at the scene seems to corroborate your claim that the entire West Virginia legislature "just darted out in front of [your] car."
  • Libra After a promising start, your relationship with that special man has ground to a halt. Try wrapping your fists in tinfoil to give your punches more "zing."
  • Scorpio Don't fight the turning of the seasons: Time marches on, no matter how many leaves you glue back onto the trees.
  • Sagittarius Though this may seem like a good time to save money, you can't afford not to buy the attractive four-place Mikasa dining set Sagittarius is selling for $39.95.
  • Capricorn Relax, gentlemen. Men's underwear commercials can't "turn you gay." Watch as many of them as your heart desires.
  • Aquarius An odd string of events ensures that you posthumously go down in history as The Father Of The 12-Horse-Team Massage.
  • Pisces You will become the object of a Secret Service investigation upon coming into possession of a dangerously spicy Tex-Mex chili recipe.