Aries You will be distressed to find yourself listed under "old oil bottles" in your local sanitation department's "recyclopedia."
Taurus It's true that your father once said, "When you're 18, you're out of the house," but he meant months, not years.
Gemini You will fall victim to a dangerous personality disorder that makes you believe that the personal lives of celebrities are interesting and important.
Cancer You are a one-of-a-kind being, unique in the Universe and the most beloved in Creation. Can Cancer have 10 bucks?
Leo You will look like a prize jerk next week when your long-distance lover decides not to honor her end of the suicide pact.
Virgo Though investigators will have a hard time believing it, evidence at the scene seems to corroborate your claim that the entire West Virginia legislature "just darted out in front of [your] car."
Libra After a promising start, your relationship with that special man has ground to a halt. Try wrapping your fists in tinfoil to give your punches more "zing."
Scorpio Don't fight the turning of the seasons: Time marches on, no matter how many leaves you glue back onto the trees.
Sagittarius Though this may seem like a good time to save money, you can't afford not to buy the attractive four-place Mikasa dining set Sagittarius is selling for $39.95.
Capricorn Relax, gentlemen. Men's underwear commercials can't "turn you gay." Watch as many of them as your heart desires.
Aquarius An odd string of events ensures that you posthumously go down in history as The Father Of The 12-Horse-Team Massage.
Pisces You will become the object of a Secret Service investigation upon coming into possession of a dangerously spicy Tex-Mex chili recipe.
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