• Aries Your health and dignity are equally important, but four square miles of ball bearings will make it difficult for you to maintain either.
  • Taurus You're technically in favor of people exacting bloody revenge, but everyone trying to do it all at once will seriously inconvenience you.
  • Gemini You may be the best art thief on the continent, but your penchant for Lladro porcelain and collectible chess sets will keep your legend small.
  • Cancer Not only is fusion sushi "so three years ago," but you apparently don't realize it has nothing to do with the musical stylings of Spyro Gyra.
  • Leo The population density of Wyoming is very low, but that doesn't mean the people there aren't also out to kill you.
  • Virgo You don't like having limits imposed upon you, which is why it enrages you to hear Roger Miller sing "You Can't Roller Skate In A Buffalo Herd."
  • Libra The stars have something frightfully urgent to tell you, but the new Grand Theft Auto just came out, and they're not leaving the house.
  • Scorpio You'll be credited with a new kind of piracy that is even less glamorous than "software" and "music," and a hell of a lot less sexy than "butt."
  • Sagittarius As long as you're personally involved in the process, it'll be a terrible time to make career or romantic decisions.
  • Capricorn The overwhelming sense that everything is falling apart around your ears will be reinforced by painful sonic and tactile cues.
  • Aquarius All your money problems will be solved when an out-of-control armored car hurtles down your street, but not in a fashion you'll consider ideal.
  • Pisces You'll feel a certain sense of inevitability when you see John Waters sitting in the front row at your trial for the hair-dryer electrocution of your boyfriend.