Horoscope for the week of October 28, 1998

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Aries Though you are a vindictive, cruel, petty, miserable son of a bitch, you will be rewarded with great happiness and good fortune in the next week. This is just how the universe works.

Taurus The stars have not been clear about the cause of next Monday's fracas, but one thing is certain: You will have to forfeit the deposit on that horse you rented.

Gemini Though you have no medical training, the newspapers will refer to you as "the eye-ear-nose-throat specialist" after the police search your basement next week.

Cancer To your dismay and embarrassment, you will be forced to admit that you haven't heard the one about the Polish drycleaner and the one-legged midget.

Leo Nothing much will happen this week, aside from your usual whirlwind of sexual excess, churchgoing and drug abuse.

Virgo Overwhelming consumer demand for a more ergonomically styled Virgo leads to your complete and extremely painful redesign this week.

Libra You will be disappointed to learn that your lucrative business selling your used panties to longshoremen is insufficient preparation for a career in the world of high finance.

Scorpio You will be found to consist of gray limestone with a rough shale covering. This comes as no surprise, however, as you are the Rock of Gibraltar.

Sagittarius Your estimate that there are 65,292,100 goats in the world will turn out to be a little too close for some people’s comfort.

Capricorn The outcome of your battle with leukemia will hinge upon whether you can obtain the essence of a certain '80s comedian for your Emotherapy.

Aquarius You will find yourself vindicated next Thursday when your lifelong fear of thumbs turns out to be justified after all.

Pisces Taxpayers and astronomers alike will openly question the merit of NASA's upcoming manned mission to you.

More Horoscope

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Horoscope for the week of November ... » (November 4, 1998)

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