• Aries You will never acheive your full potential as a person unless you can win your life’s most personal battles. Declare war on polyester/cotton blends.
  • Taurus A period of ill health looms before you when the other members of your heavy metal band strap you to a chair and force seven pounds of uncooked sausage meat down your self-righteous vegetarian throat.
  • Gemini You will go down in history as the first practitioner of inspirational pamphlet-assisted suicide.
  • Cancer When 14 bodies are discovered in your basement, your usual alibi of "The dog did it" is of absolutely no help—even though it's actually true this time.
  • Leo A sudden slave rebellion will take you by surprise, leaving you with the feeling that, had you been aware that you owned slaves, you could have nearly doubled your productivity.
  • Virgo You are in for the fight of your life this week when Diana Rigg overhears your catty remarks about the cut of her evening gown.
  • Libra Your translation of The Odyssey goes almost completely unread in the South.
  • Scorpio Your vanity and love of the spotlight override your common sense when you attend the 1997 Grammy Awards in a dress made of human skin.
  • Sagittarius An error in translation while travelling results in a surprise sexual escapade with a camel.
  • Capricorn Do not hide your light under a bushel. Douse yourself with kerosene and set yourself on fire.
  • Aquarius Your community decides to honor your contributions to society by making you part of the new blacktop in the school parking lot.
  • Pisces You dream about eating a huge marshmallow. When you wake up, all your huge marshmallows are gone.