Aries You will never acheive your full potential as a person unless you can win your life’s most personal battles. Declare war on polyester/cotton blends.
Taurus A period of ill health looms before you when the other members of your heavy metal band strap you to a chair and force seven pounds of uncooked sausage meat down your self-righteous vegetarian throat.
Gemini You will go down in history as the first practitioner of inspirational pamphlet-assisted suicide.
Cancer When 14 bodies are discovered in your basement, your usual alibi of "The dog did it" is of absolutely no help—even though it's actually true this time.
Leo A sudden slave rebellion will take you by surprise, leaving you with the feeling that, had you been aware that you owned slaves, you could have nearly doubled your productivity.
Virgo You are in for the fight of your life this week when Diana Rigg overhears your catty remarks about the cut of her evening gown.
Libra Your translation of The Odyssey goes almost completely unread in the South.
Scorpio Your vanity and love of the spotlight override your common sense when you attend the 1997 Grammy Awards in a dress made of human skin.
Sagittarius An error in translation while travelling results in a surprise sexual escapade with a camel.
Capricorn Do not hide your light under a bushel. Douse yourself with kerosene and set yourself on fire.
Aquarius Your community decides to honor your contributions to society by making you part of the new blacktop in the school parking lot.
Pisces You dream about eating a huge marshmallow. When you wake up, all your huge marshmallows are gone.