Aries Your death under unusual circumstances inspires your family to establish the Aries Memorial Fund To Prevent Circus-Elephant-Related Autoerotic Asphyxiation.
Taurus Your academic reputation is saved when recently discovered Egyptian texts prove your theory that Ramses II did in fact throw it all away for a cocktail waitress.
Gemini You become an overnight media darling when the local news exposes your lifelong love affair with cats.
Cancer An attractive member of the opposite sex will misconstrue your coy flirtations this week, leaving you unfulfilled and embarrassed, but with a very full sugar bowl.
Leo Your nude silhouette becomes known to every trucker in America when you are asked to be the model for a new line of naked-profile mudflaps.
Virgo You develop a reputation as a great hunter among your co-workers after you successfully slay a deer with your Toyota.
Libra When in doubt, old wisdom is the best wisdom: Prevent the demonic possession of your serving wench by walking around your cottage three times widdershins and rethatch your roof with mandrake root.
Scorpio Your most dearly held belief is proven half-wrong when scientists determine that Ernest Borgnine is grumpy but not lovable.
Sagittarius The Supreme Court denies you the right to appear as yourself in public after the Coca-Cola corporation claims it invented you in 1968.
Capricorn Mercury in your sign says you will soon travel. Of course, this is true for roughly 40 percent of Americans.
Aquarius Your mother is proven right once again when your enjoyment of snack cakes leads to heroin use.
Pisces You become a hot Hollywood property when sound-effects artists discover that shooting you in the stomach sounds remarkably like the real thing