Horoscope

10.29.97 | ISSUE 32•13

  • Aries Your death under unusual circumstances inspires your family to establish the Aries Memorial Fund To Prevent Circus-Elephant-Related Autoerotic Asphyxiation.
  • Taurus Your academic reputation is saved when recently discovered Egyptian texts prove your theory that Ramses II did in fact throw it all away for a cocktail waitress.
  • Gemini You become an overnight media darling when the local news exposes your lifelong love affair with cats.
  • Cancer An attractive member of the opposite sex will misconstrue your coy flirtations this week, leaving you unfulfilled and embarrassed, but with a very full sugar bowl.
  • Leo Your nude silhouette becomes known to every trucker in America when you are asked to be the model for a new line of naked-profile mudflaps.
  • Virgo You develop a reputation as a great hunter among your co-workers after you successfully slay a deer with your Toyota.
  • Libra When in doubt, old wisdom is the best wisdom: Prevent the demonic possession of your serving wench by walking around your cottage three times widdershins and rethatch your roof with mandrake root.
  • Scorpio Your most dearly held belief is proven half-wrong when scientists determine that Ernest Borgnine is grumpy but not lovable.
  • Sagittarius The Supreme Court denies you the right to appear as yourself in public after the Coca-Cola corporation claims it invented you in 1968.
  • Capricorn Mercury in your sign says you will soon travel. Of course, this is true for roughly 40 percent of Americans.
  • Aquarius Your mother is proven right once again when your enjoyment of snack cakes leads to heroin use.
  • Pisces You become a hot Hollywood property when sound-effects artists discover that shooting you in the stomach sounds remarkably like the real thing

    • Past Horoscopes

    • February 7, 2012

      Aries The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you're supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car. Taurus That person you've been see...

    • January 31, 2012

      Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantl...

    • January 24, 2012

      Aries Your death next week will seem in­explicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub...

    • January 17, 2012

      Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique aff...

    • January 10, 2012

      Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t...

    • January 3, 2012

      Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ...

    • December 6, 2011

      Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it. Taurus You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from gett...

    • November 15, 2011

      Aries They say your problem is inoperable, but they're wrong: It's just incurable. Go ahead and do all the operating you want. Taurus You've never believed you were the poisoning type, but judging from all the news cover...

    • November 8, 2011

      Aries A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it's merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren't actual brothers. Taurus Betrayal, treason, and vile cal-umny will...

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