Horoscope for the week of October 29, 1997

Horoscope ISSUE 32•13 Oct 29, 1997
  • Aries Your death under unusual circumstances inspires your family to establish the Aries Memorial Fund To Prevent Circus-Elephant-Related Autoerotic Asphyxiation.
  • Taurus Your academic reputation is saved when recently discovered Egyptian texts prove your theory that Ramses II did in fact throw it all away for a cocktail waitress.
  • Gemini You become an overnight media darling when the local news exposes your lifelong love affair with cats.
  • Cancer An attractive member of the opposite sex will misconstrue your coy flirtations this week, leaving you unfulfilled and embarrassed, but with a very full sugar bowl.
  • Leo Your nude silhouette becomes known to every trucker in America when you are asked to be the model for a new line of naked-profile mudflaps.
  • Virgo You develop a reputation as a great hunter among your co-workers after you successfully slay a deer with your Toyota.
  • Libra When in doubt, old wisdom is the best wisdom: Prevent the demonic possession of your serving wench by walking around your cottage three times widdershins and rethatch your roof with mandrake root.
  • Scorpio Your most dearly held belief is proven half-wrong when scientists determine that Ernest Borgnine is grumpy but not lovable.
  • Sagittarius The Supreme Court denies you the right to appear as yourself in public after the Coca-Cola corporation claims it invented you in 1968.
  • Capricorn Mercury in your sign says you will soon travel. Of course, this is true for roughly 40 percent of Americans.
  • Aquarius Your mother is proven right once again when your enjoyment of snack cakes leads to heroin use.
  • Pisces You become a hot Hollywood property when sound-effects artists discover that shooting you in the stomach sounds remarkably like the real thing