• Aries Unfortunately, the depressed economy and reduced demand for the service will force you to once again scale back the price of your mustache rides.
  • Taurus Your desire to join the winning team will take you in a strange new direction when you decide to fight on the side of lung cancer.
  • Gemini It turns out that there are indeed mountains high enough and valleys low enough to keep you from your love.
  • Cancer You'll be the latest victim of the five-year unrest between the lower-woodwind and string sections of the Boston Philharmonic Orchestra.
  • Leo You will fail to inspire either fear or loyalty, in spite of the iron hand that you used in organizing the hayride.
  • Virgo The last members of your extended family will die of leprosy, putting a stop to the stream of interestingly stained hand-me-downs.
  • Libra You weren't aware that you could go to hell for wearing the wrong pants, but then you saw it in the Old Testament
  • Scorpio Your desire for further intellectual growth will be stunted when all of your questions about Aquaman are answered.
  • Sagittarius There's an old superstition that the Devil won't come for a person who has to finish the Lord's work, but that's no reason not to do your dishes.
  • Capricorn Your career opportunities will become somewhat more limited when, for the third year in a row, you flunk out of the School Of Hard Knocks.
  • Aquarius Although your enemies have taken back their "screw you" statement, you might want to make a point of being extra considerate to the horse you rode in on.
  • Pisces Don't worry about politics so much. From time to time, the tree of liberty must be watered with the blood of idiots.