Aries You will find yourself in a bizarre alternate universe where the sun is on the wrong side of the sky and everyone looks like they're sleepwalking when you get up before noon for the first time in your life.
Taurus A strange mixture of worry and relief fills your heart when you are laid off from the manure-packing factory.
Gemini You used to think it would be cool to drive your own giant robot, but that's before you knew they were primarily used to weld bumpers onto trucks.
Cancer If the guys make fun of you for walking around in lipstick, high heels, and a silk dress, just ignore them. After all, you're a woman.
Leo You must stop living in the past. Any changes you make back then may alter the present irreparably.
Virgo Now more than ever, that peace sign you carry is going to get you shot at.
Libra Scientific engineers are currently developing a range of high-tech tools to help America's doctors in their fight against your burning, itching foot fungus.
Scorpio These times of economic turmoil might not be good for everyone, but your personal mission is to find a way to physically surf the Dow Jones average.
Sagittarius Though it's certainly admirable to want to stay informed, your worship of Peter Jennings is beginning to affect your ability to function in daily life.
Capricorn You will be embarrassed to learn that there is an effective, less messy method known as "chemical" castration.
Aquarius Financial experts know that a number of factors are to blame for the downturn, but won't be able to shake the hunch that it was all your fault somehow.
Pisces Someday you must learn not to run away from your problems. But not today, when your problems are all giant boars.