Horoscope for the week of October 31, 2001

- video
- sports
- On TV
- politics
- news beat
- more
- social
- A.V. Club
- Store
- Dating
- Contests

In The News
- Nicolas Cage Puppeteer
- Aging Americans
- Downton Abbey
- Obama Rant
- Last Updated 4:21 PM

Horoscope

Article Tools

Email

Email

To:

From:
Print
Share
Share
- Facebook
- Digg
- Stumble
- Reddit

Aries Reviews will claim you have "reinvented the coming-of-age story" and "singlehandedly raised the bar for first novels," but you don't recall doing anything.

Taurus Though the theory behind your genetically enhanced egg-frying/toast-making humanoid is sound, it is an inelegant solution to a nonexistent problem.

Gemini After spending countless hours in career counseling in an effort to identify the color of your parachute, the damn thing will fail to open.

Cancer After weeks of pleading, the powers-that-be will grant your wish to be humanity's liaison to the fish, just to shut you up.

Leo Urban legends allude to babysitters microwaving babies, but they leave out important stuff like cooking times.

Virgo The world is not ready for your way of thinking. Nor will it ever be while sensible men run the dental-supply industry.

Libra The stars have announced a recall on all '66-'79 Libras. Please report to the nearest Libra service center.

Scorpio You aren't sure where you got the idea to start your own business as a catbather, but you have to admit it's pretty stupid.

Sagittarius You will defy all conventional wisdom when you take a long leap without looking, but not without hesitating slightly first.

Capricorn Your wacky plan to choose stocks using a monkey with a dartboard backfires when the damn thing turns out to have an M.B.A. from Harvard.

Aquarius The moon is indeed rising in your sign, but no one can figure out what to do with it at the moment. Just enjoy the pretty moon for a while.

Pisces As long as people continue to ignore the lessons of history, there's always a chance that you will one day find love.

More Horoscope

« Horoscope for the week of October ... (October 24, 2001)
Horoscope for the week of November ... » (November 7, 2001)

Past Horoscopes

February 7, 2012

Aries The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you're supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car. Taurus That person you've been see...
January 31, 2012

Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantl...
January 24, 2012

Aries Your death next week will seem inexplicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub...
January 17, 2012

Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique aff...
January 10, 2012

Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t...
January 3, 2012

Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ...
December 6, 2011

Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it. Taurus You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from gett...
November 15, 2011

Aries They say your problem is inoperable, but they're wrong: It's just incurable. Go ahead and do all the operating you want. Taurus You've never believed you were the poisoning type, but judging from all the news cover...
November 8, 2011

Aries A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it's merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren't actual brothers. Taurus Betrayal, treason, and vile cal-umny will...