Horoscope for the week of October 31, 2001

Horoscope ISSUE 37•39 Oct 31, 2001
  • Aries Reviews will claim you have "reinvented the coming-of-age story" and "singlehandedly raised the bar for first novels," but you don't recall doing anything.
  • Taurus Though the theory behind your genetically enhanced egg-frying/toast-making humanoid is sound, it is an inelegant solution to a nonexistent problem.
  • Gemini After spending countless hours in career counseling in an effort to identify the color of your parachute, the damn thing will fail to open.
  • Cancer After weeks of pleading, the powers-that-be will grant your wish to be humanity's liaison to the fish, just to shut you up.
  • Leo Urban legends allude to babysitters microwaving babies, but they leave out important stuff like cooking times.
  • Virgo The world is not ready for your way of thinking. Nor will it ever be while sensible men run the dental-supply industry.
  • Libra The stars have announced a recall on all '66-'79 Libras. Please report to the nearest Libra service center.
  • Scorpio You aren't sure where you got the idea to start your own business as a catbather, but you have to admit it's pretty stupid.
  • Sagittarius You will defy all conventional wisdom when you take a long leap without looking, but not without hesitating slightly first.
  • Capricorn Your wacky plan to choose stocks using a monkey with a dartboard backfires when the damn thing turns out to have an M.B.A. from Harvard.
  • Aquarius The moon is indeed rising in your sign, but no one can figure out what to do with it at the moment. Just enjoy the pretty moon for a while.
  • Pisces As long as people continue to ignore the lessons of history, there's always a chance that you will one day find love.