Aries You will be saved from total personal collapse by quick-thinking friends who build you a makeshift set of flying buttresses.
Taurus Your addiction to chocolate reaches new depths of depravity. At least, as much as that's possible for an "addiction" to what is, after all, merely a sweet confection.
Gemini You will be praised by fellow right-wing extremists when you successfully attack a clinic which performs birth-control operations on pets.
Cancer The nation will continue to ignore you despite your willingness to debate George W. Bush.
Leo The events of next Saturday will cast doubts on the adage that a bad day fishing is better than a good day at work.
Virgo Your bad luck finding a decent man continues, primarily because you're such a goddamned fat-assed hog.
Libra Your plan to commit the perfect crime is flawed in one important aspect: Sitting on the couch watching football all weekend is not illegal.
Scorpio Your dead grandmother shocks the nation by standing up in her grave and yelling, "Ouch!"--as she once predicted--when someone hits you really hard.
Sagittarius You will be embarrassed to find that what you thought was your own life is actually a rip-off of that of Thomas J. Walters (1921-1979) of Waltham, MA.
Capricorn Your attempt to "run with the big dogs" results in an array of bite wounds and a flaming case of rabies.
Aquarius You will score a ton of free advertising when your prostitution bust is televised on the local community channel.
Pisces Sometimes the stars wonder what happened to Sandra. She always had the worst damn luck.
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