• Aries You will be saved from total personal collapse by quick-thinking friends who build you a makeshift set of flying buttresses.
  • Taurus Your addiction to chocolate reaches new depths of depravity. At least, as much as that's possible for an "addiction" to what is, after all, merely a sweet confection.
  • Gemini You will be praised by fellow right-wing extremists when you successfully attack a clinic which performs birth-control operations on pets.
  • Cancer The nation will continue to ignore you despite your willingness to debate George W. Bush.
  • Leo The events of next Saturday will cast doubts on the adage that a bad day fishing is better than a good day at work.
  • Virgo Your bad luck finding a decent man continues, primarily because you're such a goddamned fat-assed hog.
  • Libra Your plan to commit the perfect crime is flawed in one important aspect: Sitting on the couch watching football all weekend is not illegal.
  • Scorpio Your dead grandmother shocks the nation by standing up in her grave and yelling, "Ouch!"--as she once predicted--when someone hits you really hard.
  • Sagittarius You will be embarrassed to find that what you thought was your own life is actually a rip-off of that of Thomas J. Walters (1921-1979) of Waltham, MA.
  • Capricorn Your attempt to "run with the big dogs" results in an array of bite wounds and a flaming case of rabies.
  • Aquarius You will score a ton of free advertising when your prostitution bust is televised on the local community channel.
  • Pisces Sometimes the stars wonder what happened to Sandra. She always had the worst damn luck.