Aries Try to exercise a little diplomacy this week, as you are the U.S. ambassador to Namibia.
Taurus You don't understand the saying, "as serious as a heart attack," because all the ones you've seen have been hilarious.
Gemini The stars say this will be a very good week for you creatively. That is, until your back is turned—you should hear what they say then.
Cancer Don't follow people blindly into decisions. However, blindly following them into intersections would be interesting.
Leo You find yourself incapable of differentiating between right and wrong, making it much easier for you to watch TV.
Virgo You know darn well what's going to happen this week. You're going to clean that garage like you promised Virgo you would two weeks ago.
Libra You will see something this week that really makes you think. It's just an unusual-looking rock, but it's a start.
Scorpio You will cry because you have no shoes, until you see a man who has no feet. Then you will run away screaming and vomiting uncontrollably.
Sagittarius The events of this week will teach you that people change. The events of next week will teach you that they sometimes change into evil, flesh-eating zombies.
Capricorn It's a big, beautiful world out there. Don't go out there for even a second.
Aquarius You will use enough morphine this week to kill a team of oxen. Not that it's any of the stars' business or anything, but that's a pretty weird way to kill oxen.
Pisces The Earth rising in your sign this week means romance, travel and that you're somehow standing on the surface of another planet.
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