Horoscope for the week of October 6, 1999

Horoscope ISSUE 35•36 Oct 6, 1999
  • Aries Try to exercise a little diplomacy this week, as you are the U.S. ambassador to Namibia.
  • Taurus You don't understand the saying, "as serious as a heart attack," because all the ones you've seen have been hilarious.
  • Gemini The stars say this will be a very good week for you creatively. That is, until your back is turned—you should hear what they say then.
  • Cancer Don't follow people blindly into decisions. However, blindly following them into intersections would be interesting.
  • Leo You find yourself incapable of differentiating between right and wrong, making it much easier for you to watch TV.
  • Virgo You know darn well what's going to happen this week. You're going to clean that garage like you promised Virgo you would two weeks ago.
  • Libra You will see something this week that really makes you think. It's just an unusual-looking rock, but it's a start.
  • Scorpio You will cry because you have no shoes, until you see a man who has no feet. Then you will run away screaming and vomiting uncontrollably.
  • Sagittarius The events of this week will teach you that people change. The events of next week will teach you that they sometimes change into evil, flesh-eating zombies.
  • Capricorn It's a big, beautiful world out there. Don't go out there for even a second.
  • Aquarius You will use enough morphine this week to kill a team of oxen. Not that it's any of the stars' business or anything, but that's a pretty weird way to kill oxen.
  • Pisces The Earth rising in your sign this week means romance, travel and that you're somehow standing on the surface of another planet.