Horoscope for the week of October 6, 2004

Horoscope ISSUE 40•40 Oct 6, 2004
  • Aries You'll use your love of business books and your knowledge of science to write Sales Success Secrets Of The Strong And Weak Subatomic Forces.
  • Taurus You'll show that you are capable of amazing acts of self-sacrifice in order to win the favor of the dread demon-beast Ktzaal.
  • Gemini There's no closer bond than that of a man and his dog, especially if their mutual freedom means protecting each other during the D.A.'s cross-examination.
  • Cancer Stealing the opposing team's mascot is a time-honored tradition, but it turns out the Muslims think of that big black rock as more than just a mascot.
  • Leo You'll be integral to a process that will win your funeral director an award for unique approaches to challenging problems.
  • Virgo Most supercolliders are used to study subatomic particles, but the one at the University of Texas has you and a folding chair in mind.
  • Libra You will descend into the bowels of the earth to battle the roaring monsters that inhabit its mysterious tunnels, and you will be slain by one 16 cars long.
  • Scorpio The other librarians will alternately praise your audacity and criticize your recklessness after you redesign the Dewey Decimal System on a drunken dare.
  • Sagittarius Satellite photos will reveal that the so-called "inland tidal wave" was caused by your fat ass cannonballing into Lake Mead.
  • Capricorn You'll be both deeply hurt and substantially enriched when you receive the MacArthur Foundation's first-ever $50,000 Dipshit Grant.
  • Aquarius It looked for a second like the amorous gorilla was going to have sex with you, but apparently, gorilla suits don't work that way.
  • Pisces It turns out that train robbery, although exciting and challenging, just gets you a bunch of cows these days.