Aries You will learn to stop hating people on the basis of skin color when a righteously angry black man plucks your eyes from your head and feeds them to you.
Taurus You will be sent on a thrill-packed adventure this week when a wounded, bedraggled Jesus Christ appears at your door and enlists your help in finding the bastards who killed him.
Gemini Another Gemini desperately needs your financial help. Please order 10 Pure Moods CDs immediately.
Cancer This is a good time for you to begin long-term projects. It will soon be winter, and you have no food, warm clothing, or comfortable shelter.
Leo Lay down the law with people who habitually take advantage of you. Don’t allow them to stay at your house, borrow money, or have sex with you until they stop their exploitative ways.
Virgo You become renowned in international art circles this week when devious sculpture forgers sneak into your house, pour bronze over your sleeping form, and sell you to a collector as a long-lost Rodin.
Libra People in positions of power are lying to you: It is perfectly safe to operate power tools in water.
Scorpio You will win almost $25 million in the lottery this week. It will make little difference in your life, however, as you are Prince Rainier of Monaco.
Sagittarius You will win a landmark Supreme Court case this week when Mistress Mayhem is found guilty of giving you a substandard spanking.
Capricorn Sun magic is strong in your sign this week. Stare into the sun for an hour to receive portentous visions.
Aquarius You realize a lifelong dream this week when you finally get that annoying guy with the glasses fired from your local sandwich shop.
Pisces A handsome Scorpio will soon appear at your door, sell you a set of encyclopedias, and disappear forever.