Aries You will fail to convince the police that you were innocently attempting to soothe the howler monkey.
Taurus Pluto is rising in your sign this week, prompting a $300 million copyright-infringement lawsuit by the Disney Corporation.
Gemini The amused stars want to know if you’ll do that trick with the butcher knife, fireworks and can of gasoline one more time.
Cancer You will receive a useful gift in the mail. Unfortunately, it is a gift certificate to a Big, Fat & Doomed men's store.
Leo Nothing can stop Destiny from exerting its powerful influence over you if it so desires. However, it does not.
Virgo Your life has become mired in routine and repetition. For a refreshing change, try not to kill any nursing students this week.
Libra The stars that influence your life are actually dance-floor strobe lights at a second-rate Miami nightclub, and they instruct you to shake what it took your mama nine months to make.
Scorpio Your plans for the weekend seem simple enough, but they present a challenge when you realize that you have no idea how to "get some girls."
Sagittarius Your inability to hear the letter s leads to humiliation when you wear a red wool outfit and carry a double-bitted axe and crosscut saw to a slumber party.
Capricorn The onset of autumn means one thing to Capricorn: Soon it will be time to swim upstream and spawn.
Aquarius Though you are covered with pink fur, have a soft red rubber nose, and utter four simple phrases, you are by no means suitable for children.
Pisces As foretold in Scripture, Christ will triumphantly return all your gifts this week.
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