• Aries You will fail to convince the police that you were innocently attempting to soothe the howler monkey.
  • Taurus Pluto is rising in your sign this week, prompting a $300 million copyright-infringement lawsuit by the Disney Corporation.
  • Gemini The amused stars want to know if you’ll do that trick with the butcher knife, fireworks and can of gasoline one more time.
  • Cancer You will receive a useful gift in the mail. Unfortunately, it is a gift certificate to a Big, Fat & Doomed men's store.
  • Leo Nothing can stop Destiny from exerting its powerful influence over you if it so desires. However, it does not.
  • Virgo Your life has become mired in routine and repetition. For a refreshing change, try not to kill any nursing students this week.
  • Libra The stars that influence your life are actually dance-floor strobe lights at a second-rate Miami nightclub, and they instruct you to shake what it took your mama nine months to make.
  • Scorpio Your plans for the weekend seem simple enough, but they present a challenge when you realize that you have no idea how to "get some girls."
  • Sagittarius Your inability to hear the letter s leads to humiliation when you wear a red wool outfit and carry a double-bitted axe and crosscut saw to a slumber party.
  • Capricorn The onset of autumn means one thing to Capricorn: Soon it will be time to swim upstream and spawn.
  • Aquarius Though you are covered with pink fur, have a soft red rubber nose, and utter four simple phrases, you are by no means suitable for children.
  • Pisces As foretold in Scripture, Christ will triumphantly return all your gifts this week.