Horoscope for the week of October 8, 2003

Horoscope ISSUE 39•39 Oct 8, 2003
  • Aries You'll slip a notch in the estimation of your peers when they find out that the Statue of Liberty was a gift from the French, not from you.
  • Taurus Your eyes will soon meet the tender gaze of a handsome stranger, thanks to your decision to check the "organ donor" box on your driver's license.
  • Gemini There is a time and place for everything, except for your loud and incompetent scat singing.
  • Cancer Whether or not the pig learns to sing, you should keep trying to teach it. You have ample time, and no one cares about the pig's annoyance.
  • Leo You're never fully dressed without a smile, but in this era of office casual, a nice pocket square will do.
  • Virgo Some will say you're incapable of loving anything in this world, but they've forgotten about the little baby ducks.
  • Libra You'll be able to cross "See the Mona Lisa" off your list of things to do before you die, but that's about it.
  • Scorpio You knew that girl on the billboard wasn't real, but you still hoped it was at least a picture of an actual 40-foot-tall woman.
  • Sagittarius Being able to understand the language of the birds and the beasts sounded great, before you knew what self-centered little shits they all are.
  • Capricorn You're finding it harder and harder to sleep at night, knowing that Wilford Brimley and his horse are still out there somewhere.
  • Aquarius No one at the public library will be able to answer your question about whether anyone in America has normal old sex anymore.
  • Pisces It turns out that Andy Warhol overestimated the duration of your fame by about 14 and a half minutes.