Horoscope for the week of October 9, 1996

Horoscope ISSUE 30•09 Oct 9, 1996
  • Aries Mercury descendant in the Ram this week means Aries will soon get the blues. Be sure to get them from your head to the bottoms of your travelling shoes.
  • Taurus A fifth of Scotch will not prove to be an acceptable solution to your problems. Try another fifth of Scotch.
  • Gemini You discover that your best friend is a man trapped in a woman's body. You owe it to her to grab a paring knife and start carving until you get that man out.
  • Cancer The harvest moon in Cancer means change for your sign. You will die late Wednesday afternoon.
  • Leo An innocent prank at the laboratory where you work will result in the world's population being cut by a third.
  • Virgo Love will enter your life this week, but will ultimately fail to take the place of hatred.
  • Libra An ordinary can opener and a three-foot plank are the basic ingredients for your home piercing business.
  • Scorpio Your favorite snack contains only two parts per million of radioactive materials. Eat a quarter of a million of them.
  • Sagittarius Assuming a can-do attitude this week and taking charge of your life will make you the hit of death row.
  • Capricorn An unexpected turn in your life's road leaves you with the responsibility of caring for several small children. Teach them to play the educational party game "Does It Burn?"
  • Aquarius Annoyance is added to insult this week when veteran actor Gene Hackman wakes you out of a sound sleep to tell you he disapproves of the way you've been living lately.
  • Pisces You need just one more pathetic gesture to make your life the worst ever lived by a sane human being. Buy an expensive, hour-long recording of engine sounds and listen to it over and over late at night.