Aries Mercury descendant in the Ram this week means Aries will soon get the blues. Be sure to get them from your head to the bottoms of your travelling shoes.
Taurus A fifth of Scotch will not prove to be an acceptable solution to your problems. Try another fifth of Scotch.
Gemini You discover that your best friend is a man trapped in a woman's body. You owe it to her to grab a paring knife and start carving until you get that man out.
Cancer The harvest moon in Cancer means change for your sign. You will die late Wednesday afternoon.
Leo An innocent prank at the laboratory where you work will result in the world's population being cut by a third.
Virgo Love will enter your life this week, but will ultimately fail to take the place of hatred.
Libra An ordinary can opener and a three-foot plank are the basic ingredients for your home piercing business.
Scorpio Your favorite snack contains only two parts per million of radioactive materials. Eat a quarter of a million of them.
Sagittarius Assuming a can-do attitude this week and taking charge of your life will make you the hit of death row.
Capricorn An unexpected turn in your life's road leaves you with the responsibility of caring for several small children. Teach them to play the educational party game "Does It Burn?"
Aquarius Annoyance is added to insult this week when veteran actor Gene Hackman wakes you out of a sound sleep to tell you he disapproves of the way you've been living lately.
Pisces You need just one more pathetic gesture to make your life the worst ever lived by a sane human being. Buy an expensive, hour-long recording of engine sounds and listen to it over and over late at night.