Horoscope

10.09.02 | ISSUE 38•37

  • Aries Thursday will usher in a new era of love and prosperity for Aries, which is only fair considering what happens Friday.
  • Taurus You will seek the ancient wisdom of a witch doctor, but you'll have no idea what he means by "Ooh Eee Ooh Ah-Ah Ting-Tang Walla-Walla Bing-Bang."
  • Gemini Society at large will expect you to donate to the Professional Wrestlers' Widows & Orphans Fund due to the unspoken code of ignoblesse oblige.
  • Cancer You will belatedly realize you've become part of the problem when you board a train that leaves Philadelphia at noon traveling 45 miles an hour.
  • Leo After all is said and done, no one will have said or done anything involving you in any way.
  • Virgo The streets will soon run red with blood and echo with the tortured cries of the unforgiven, but you'll be amazed how quickly you get used to it.
  • Libra The only thing that keeps you from realizing your potential is the depressing awareness that it probably wouldn't take much time or effort.
  • Scorpio Studies show that Colombia has the highest murder rate of any place in the Americas, except the place where you'll be standing at noon tomorrow.
  • Sagittarius You should start studying physical and geometric optics now, so you'll have a better understanding of what's happening when you're suddenly converted to photons.
  • Capricorn The stars advise you to reconsider your plans for the future, as they're not going to happen in Capricorn's back yard.
  • Aquarius Though you're so fat, you should have your own zip code, you continue to use that of Fatsoville, your city of residence.
  • Pisces You will soon be unwillingly forced into a flurry of activity when you are chosen to host the 2014 Winter Olympiad.

    • Past Horoscopes

    • February 7, 2012

      Aries The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you're supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car. Taurus That person you've been see...

    • January 31, 2012

      Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantl...

    • January 24, 2012

      Aries Your death next week will seem in­explicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub...

    • January 17, 2012

      Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique aff...

    • January 10, 2012

      Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t...

    • January 3, 2012

      Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ...

    • December 6, 2011

      Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it. Taurus You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from gett...

    • November 15, 2011

      Aries They say your problem is inoperable, but they're wrong: It's just incurable. Go ahead and do all the operating you want. Taurus You've never believed you were the poisoning type, but judging from all the news cover...

    • November 8, 2011

      Aries A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it's merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren't actual brothers. Taurus Betrayal, treason, and vile cal-umny will...

    See All Horoscopes
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