• Aries There's trouble in your romantic life, but don't worry: If it were as easy as tying them up until they agreed to love you forever, everyone would be doing it.
  • Taurus Okay, okay, you have the blues. But that's no reason to yell and play that damn guitar on the street all day long.
  • Gemini Nothing can stop the terrible aching loneliness you feel inside. Try going outside and see if it gets any better.
  • Cancer God has been hard on you, but He has great plans for your future. He wants you to open a really good sub shop.
  • Leo Your life will finally be complete when your web site is ranked the third most popular in your hometown.
  • Virgo Your eerie hallucinations still aren't going away. Perhaps these "policemen" and "doctors" are real, and the Magical Axe Fairy is the imaginary one, after all.
  • Libra Neptune rising in your sign means that foreign grain markets are depressed in early trading this week. The stars can be very precise when they want to be.
  • Scorpio Avoid people who tell you the truth can be found in mystic, sky-borne patterns.
  • Sagittarius Light and water magicks are strong in Sagittarius this week, meaning you will probably find yourself face down in the fountain at Caesar's Palace again.
  • Capricorn Somehow, you won't be able to let yourself trust the knife-throwing maniac at your office. Just give it time.
  • Aquarius Remember, the respect of your peers isn't something that can be bought or sold. So it's probably not all that important.
  • Pisces You will become attuned to the powerful vibrations of the universe next Tuesday, covering dozens of bystanders in blood and gore as you convulse to bits.