Horoscope for the week of September 1, 1999

- video
- sports
- On TV
- politics
- news beat
- more
- social
- A.V. Club
- Store
- Dating
- Contests

In The News
- Rumsfeld Scholarship
- Einstein 'Just That Stupid'
- Iran Worried
- No Child Left Behind
- Last Updated 10:13 AM

Horoscope

Article Tools

Email

Email

To:

From:
Print
Share
Share
- Facebook
- Digg
- Stumble
- Reddit

Aries There's trouble in your romantic life, but don't worry: If it were as easy as tying them up until they agreed to love you forever, everyone would be doing it.

Taurus Okay, okay, you have the blues. But that's no reason to yell and play that damn guitar on the street all day long.

Gemini Nothing can stop the terrible aching loneliness you feel inside. Try going outside and see if it gets any better.

Cancer God has been hard on you, but He has great plans for your future. He wants you to open a really good sub shop.

Leo Your life will finally be complete when your web site is ranked the third most popular in your hometown.

Virgo Your eerie hallucinations still aren't going away. Perhaps these "policemen" and "doctors" are real, and the Magical Axe Fairy is the imaginary one, after all.

Libra Neptune rising in your sign means that foreign grain markets are depressed in early trading this week. The stars can be very precise when they want to be.

Scorpio Avoid people who tell you the truth can be found in mystic, sky-borne patterns.

Sagittarius Light and water magicks are strong in Sagittarius this week, meaning you will probably find yourself face down in the fountain at Caesar's Palace again.

Capricorn Somehow, you won't be able to let yourself trust the knife-throwing maniac at your office. Just give it time.

Aquarius Remember, the respect of your peers isn't something that can be bought or sold. So it's probably not all that important.

Pisces You will become attuned to the powerful vibrations of the universe next Tuesday, covering dozens of bystanders in blood and gore as you convulse to bits.

More Horoscope

« Horoscope for the week of August ... (August 25, 1999)
Horoscope for the week of September ... » (September 8, 1999)

Past Horoscopes

February 7, 2012

Aries The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you're supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car. Taurus That person you've been see...
January 31, 2012

Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantl...
January 24, 2012

Aries Your death next week will seem inexplicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub...
January 17, 2012

Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique aff...
January 10, 2012

Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t...
January 3, 2012

Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ...
December 6, 2011

Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it. Taurus You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from gett...
November 15, 2011

Aries They say your problem is inoperable, but they're wrong: It's just incurable. Go ahead and do all the operating you want. Taurus You've never believed you were the poisoning type, but judging from all the news cover...
November 8, 2011

Aries A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it's merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren't actual brothers. Taurus Betrayal, treason, and vile cal-umny will...