Aries When you die, your name will not be found in the Book of Eternal Life. That's because you died, duh.
Taurus You're utterly unfit to survive in the world of advertising sales, but that's because it doesn't have the methane-rich atmosphere your species breathes.
Gemini Your life story has all the elements of a classic revenge tale, or at least it will after Wednesday's company picnic.
Cancer Just a few more months and you'll be able to point out historical inaccuracies in people's Halloween costumes.
Leo Unfortunately, unless New York drastically reforms the trampoline-zoning laws in the Empire State neighborhood, you'll just have to find a different way to commit suicide.
Virgo You're starting to develop a sneaking suspicion that other people are having more sex, parties, and all-around fun than you are, which just proves that it takes you a while to catch on sometimes.
Libra Marriage, with the levels of cooperation it demands, is not for everyone. So it's actually a good thing that it's illegal for you.
Scorpio Not that it's really the stars' business, but you really should have lived your life so as to be more affected by the recent death of Czeslaw Milosz.
Sagittarius You don't get to choose your parents, but your brilliant merging of dating services and time travel are about to change all that.
Capricorn You'll be questioned by authorities and charged with criminal incompetence after a man you supposedly taught to fish dies of starvation.
Aquarius Being "on call" does tend to take its toll on your personal life, but as the Hot Dog King, you've gotta expect that.
Pisces Nothing you do this week will be of note to people who don't look at the photos on page 27 of The Canadian Journal Of Infectious Diseases And Medical Microbiology.