• Aries A freak explosion aboard a Florida fishing boat leaves you with the proportional strength and speed of the tarpon.
  • Taurus There will be no hiding your shame when a publicity stunt you engineered for a nationwide chain of sausage shops goes horribly awry, impregnating dozens of spokesmodels.
  • Gemini Nothing on Earth or in Heaven will be able to stop the nigh-unlimited seducing power of Gemini's five-gallon bottle of Drakkar Noir cologne.
  • Cancer Your seventh straight year of office football pool domination will be tarnished when your colleagues discover that NFL commissioner Paul Tagliabue has become your psychic friend.
  • Leo Fire and Air magic are now strong in Leo. Perhaps your decision to "get back on that horse" is inappropriate for a jet pilot.
  • Virgo Former roadblocks to romance will crumble and fall before you this month when you discover the erotic potential of intravenous racehorse amphetamines.
  • Libra You will be unable to shake the strange feeling that your employer's still-beating heart might be absolutely delicious if eaten under a full moon.
  • Scorpio This week's events will ultimately make you a top expert in the competitive genital-branding field.
  • Sagittarius The waning summer will take with it the last sour dregs of your youth. Celebrate by meeting your mom for lunch and kicking her ass.
  • Capricorn The novels of Jack London inspire you to move to Alaska, tie yourself to a sled, and demand a whipping.
  • Aquarius Mercury ascendant in your sign means business troubles ahead. You should have had Jake the Snake killed before he turned State's witness.
  • Pisces The barren landscape of a shattered marriage will stare you in the face this week when the Monday Night Football announcers fail in their efforts to keep your naked spouse off-camera.