• Aries Every day, in every way, you're getting better and better. But at this rate, you won't be good enough for 64 more years.
  • Taurus Wednesday will be a good day to make business decisions. Business decisions made on any other day will cause the Nikkei index to plunge.
  • Gemini You've never thought of yourself as an innovator in livestock genetics, as you have regular sex with them just like anybody else.
  • Cancer You can barely contain yourself when you hear the national anthem, causing you to explosively deliquesce before the Packers game this Sunday.
  • Leo You've long been familiar with Marshall's theory of the Marginal Disutility of the Laborer, but you've just figured out that it means you'll now have to deep-fry stuff for 40 hours a week.
  • Virgo Everyone wants the world to love them, but not everyone tries to win the world's affection by baking it an enormous pie.
  • Libra There's something the stars have been meaning to tell you about elephants, but you'll soon find out for yourself.
  • Scorpio Your desire to defend your country by being a soldier is admirable, but most people who feel that way simply join the armed forces.
  • Sagittarius People generally get the sort of government they deserve, which is why the nation's biggest assholes cast write-in votes for you in the upcoming election.
  • Capricorn Your shock and horror will be only partially offset by the prospect of great wealth when Liza Minnelli adopts you.
  • Aquarius People will finally lose patience with you this week when God announces He's been finished with you for years.
  • Pisces After years of zoological study and careful consideration, you've decided that what separates us from the animals is a clever system of ditches and barriers.