• Aries You will receive frightening news regarding the U.N.'s Council For The Prevention Of Nuclear Terrorism. For one thing, it doesn't exist.
  • Taurus This week, it is neither the heat nor the humidity that's the worst. It's the guy with the two-by-four who runs around hitting people in the face.
  • Gemini You had a nagging feeling that your epic prose poem sounded familiar, but you're still embarrassed when friends point out that you've ripped off The Iliad.
  • Cancer You will see your fate unfold as through a glass, darkly. This is largely due to your sunglasses.
  • Leo Your arrest and execution for espionage could have been avoided if only you hadn't argued over who would wear the back of the horse suit.
  • Virgo You will achieve a form of immortality when you choose a tombstone that's perfect for balancing beer kegs.
  • Libra Your uniqueness as a human being is threatened when you find a person who enjoys ham more than you do.
  • Scorpio Your attempt to explain to the judge that you "just wanted to see what horse laxative smelled like" is met with deep suspicion.
  • Sagittarius Your fall from grace will be compared to that of Lucifer, but only in that you both managed to take a chunk of a wall down with you.
  • Capricorn You will experience conflicting emotions when, upon coming home next Friday, your friends jump out of hiding, yell "Surprise!," and kill you with axes.
  • Aquarius You will soon be the envy of all your coworkers, who, as luck would have it, are all necrophiliac contract-bridge players.
  • Pisces You have a crazy brother who insists he's a chicken. You'd send him to a doctor, but you need the fried chicken.