Aries The Powers That Be have decided you aren't their type. You have been remanded to the custody of the Powers What Is.
Taurus You have the tragic flaw of seeing patterns and cosmic meaning where none exist.
Gemini Because of its dualistic nature, Gemini believes there are two kinds of people in this world: you and those who won't die in a coke-fueled gunfight this Sunday.
Cancer This week, try not to worry about things over which you have no control. For an ineffectual slob such as yourself, this means just about everything.
Leo You will achieve a certain kind of fame when you discover several more steps to add to your 12-step program.
Virgo Remember: Three can keep a secret if two are dead. That said, you know what you have to do.
Libra Paying close attention to the Sun and Moon signs in Libra isn't anywhere near as important as paying attention to the stop sign on Fourth and Commercial.
Scorpio You will find yourself engaged in a duel with Satan for the custody of your immortal soul, so you'd better brush up on your Adobe Illustrator skills.
Sagittarius You will be stopped just a few yards short of completing your tri-state killing spree this week.
Capricorn You might think you're the coolest person around, but don't forget about Beth Mills of Austin, TX. She has a hedgehog.
Aquarius Your week will eerily mirror the lyrics to the song "Mercedes Boy."
Pisces Remember: Sometimes you just have to step back, take a deep breath, give yourself a shake, and blow off the top of your head with Dad's old shotgun.
0