Horoscope for the week of September 13, 2000

Horoscope ISSUE 36•32 Sep 13, 2000
  • Aries The Powers That Be have decided you aren't their type. You have been remanded to the custody of the Powers What Is.
  • Taurus You have the tragic flaw of seeing patterns and cosmic meaning where none exist.
  • Gemini Because of its dualistic nature, Gemini believes there are two kinds of people in this world: you and those who won't die in a coke-fueled gunfight this Sunday.
  • Cancer This week, try not to worry about things over which you have no control. For an ineffectual slob such as yourself, this means just about everything.
  • Leo You will achieve a certain kind of fame when you discover several more steps to add to your 12-step program.
  • Virgo Remember: Three can keep a secret if two are dead. That said, you know what you have to do.
  • Libra Paying close attention to the Sun and Moon signs in Libra isn't anywhere near as important as paying attention to the stop sign on Fourth and Commercial.
  • Scorpio You will find yourself engaged in a duel with Satan for the custody of your immortal soul, so you'd better brush up on your Adobe Illustrator skills.
  • Sagittarius You will be stopped just a few yards short of completing your tri-state killing spree this week.
  • Capricorn You might think you're the coolest person around, but don't forget about Beth Mills of Austin, TX. She has a hedgehog.
  • Aquarius Your week will eerily mirror the lyrics to the song "Mercedes Boy."
  • Pisces Remember: Sometimes you just have to step back, take a deep breath, give yourself a shake, and blow off the top of your head with Dad's old shotgun.