Aries Your quest to be the world's greatest lover will fall short, but at least you'll be the world's greatest really close friend.
Taurus There is a vast, gray blankness in your sign this week. Wait for this cloud cover to dissipate before asking your fortune.
Gemini Gemini is politely asking you to stop shouting things like, "Gemini Cricket!" and "Jumpin' Gemini!" all the time. It's not funny, it's embarrassing.
Cancer You need to work on having a healthier self-image. Try to forget that you're a stupid, chinless sniveling worm.
Leo Your decision to live a more spartan life leads you to attempt to fight off a million Persians at Thermopylae.
Virgo Earth and water magicks are strong in Virgo this week, compelling you to track mud all over the house.
Libra The stars will grant you anything your heart desires. Now, please, put down that shotgun before someone gets hurt.
Scorpio After your greatest wish comes true, you realize belatedly that not even you can eat an entire ton of beef jerky before it starts to go bad.
Sagittarius Your bid to seize the reins of power ends strangely. Enjoy your new job as head of the Department of Water and Power.
Capricorn The wrath of the Gods will fail to descend upon you yet again this week. Perhaps stealing the secret of fire just isn't that big a deal to them anymore.
Aquarius If in doubt this week, listen to your heart. That strange whooshing sound is a sure indication that your aortic valve has torn loose.
Pisces Though the rest of your life will be extremely difficult and filled with heartache, don't despair: At least it will be over soon.
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