• Aries Your quest to be the world's greatest lover will fall short, but at least you'll be the world's greatest really close friend.
  • Taurus There is a vast, gray blankness in your sign this week. Wait for this cloud cover to dissipate before asking your fortune.
  • Gemini Gemini is politely asking you to stop shouting things like, "Gemini Cricket!" and "Jumpin' Gemini!" all the time. It's not funny, it's embarrassing.
  • Cancer You need to work on having a healthier self-image. Try to forget that you're a stupid, chinless sniveling worm.
  • Leo Your decision to live a more spartan life leads you to attempt to fight off a million Persians at Thermopylae.
  • Virgo Earth and water magicks are strong in Virgo this week, compelling you to track mud all over the house.
  • Libra The stars will grant you anything your heart desires. Now, please, put down that shotgun before someone gets hurt.
  • Scorpio After your greatest wish comes true, you realize belatedly that not even you can eat an entire ton of beef jerky before it starts to go bad.
  • Sagittarius Your bid to seize the reins of power ends strangely. Enjoy your new job as head of the Department of Water and Power.
  • Capricorn The wrath of the Gods will fail to descend upon you yet again this week. Perhaps stealing the secret of fire just isn't that big a deal to them anymore.
  • Aquarius If in doubt this week, listen to your heart. That strange whooshing sound is a sure indication that your aortic valve has torn loose.
  • Pisces Though the rest of your life will be extremely difficult and filled with heartache, don't despair: At least it will be over soon.