• Aries Your possession of a mystical third eye would cause less comment if you were also in possession of two regular eyes.
  • Taurus It'll be months before you're allowed to show your face at the club again, after you get into a fistfight with the steward over the greatest living coloratura.
  • Gemini This week, you'll learn a very important lesson about going for it on fourth down with so much time left on the clock.
  • Cancer You're usually pretty careful, so it's worth mentioning when 36 are wounded during your trip to the grocery store.
  • Leo You'll wake up feeling pretty certain that the talking gorilla was just a dream, but that doesn't explain the Gorilla-to-English dictionary you find under your pillow.
  • Virgo You'll do much weeping over what's going to happen to you this week, but because of the nature of the incident, gnashing of teeth won't really be an option.
  • Libra Chef Gerard Pangaud's signature dishes include sweetbreads with morels, as well as lobster with ginger, lime, and Sauternes, but he's made it clear that they're not for you.
  • Scorpio You'll be the first victim of the soon-to-be-popular "running 1000 volts through the take-a-penny tray" trick.
  • Sagittarius The presence of Saturn in your sign usually indicates travel or pressing family issues, but it's been there for six months now, so it's probably just out of work again.
  • Capricorn Your mistake at the self-serve pump will be monumental, but at least the amateur astronomers will enjoy watching your orbiting body for the next few weeks.
  • Aquarius It's been said that numbers don't lie, but that was before you had time to work your magic on the rigid little bastards.
  • Pisces The confluence of many mystical signs and portents can only foretell that it's time to give your brother a call.