• Aries The rise of Orion in the night sky, combined with the approach of the equinox, is a dire portent. Soon it will become cold, and frozen water shall fall from the sky.
  • Taurus You will have vivid, recurring dreams in which you engage in prolonged, intensely satisfying sex with a person of your gender. This indicates that you will soon take a sea journey.
  • Gemini After much soul-searching and a long talk with your family, you decide to dedicate your life to helping the rich.
  • Cancer Try as you might, you will not be able to find happiness this week. (Note: Cancer will be on sabbatical through October. Please repeat this horoscope as often as necessary.)
  • Leo You awake from a deep, healing sleep to find that you have slept for 10,000 years and science has found a cure for your psoriasis.
  • Virgo Betrayal at the hands of one of your most trusted associates should come as no surprise. You are incapable of inspiring love or trust in anyone.
  • Libra You will be branded a traitor to the human race after you give a mysterious, trenchcoat-wearing stranger a light on a lonely street corner, unwittingly giving the secret of fire to the dolphins and finally making their conquest of Earth possible.
  • Scorpio You inspire a folksy phrase when you accidentally throw out your infant child with some bathwater.
  • Sagittarius You have once again failed to find love. Sagittarius respectfully asks you to give up and stop wasting both our time.
  • Capricorn An energetic, vigorous, lusty young Cancer will sweep you away this week. Chemotherapy will not help.
  • Aquarius You will be found guilty of conduct leading to loss of life after you decide it would be fun to greet the pizza deliveryman naked.
  • Pisces You will be given the Legion of Honor by the French for crocheting an adorable pink, yellow and blue cover for the Eiffel Tower.