Aries The rise of Orion in the night sky, combined with the approach of the equinox, is a dire portent. Soon it will become cold, and frozen water shall fall from the sky.
Taurus You will have vivid, recurring dreams in which you engage in prolonged, intensely satisfying sex with a person of your gender. This indicates that you will soon take a sea journey.
Gemini After much soul-searching and a long talk with your family, you decide to dedicate your life to helping the rich.
Cancer Try as you might, you will not be able to find happiness this week. (Note: Cancer will be on sabbatical through October. Please repeat this horoscope as often as necessary.)
Leo You awake from a deep, healing sleep to find that you have slept for 10,000 years and science has found a cure for your psoriasis.
Virgo Betrayal at the hands of one of your most trusted associates should come as no surprise. You are incapable of inspiring love or trust in anyone.
Libra You will be branded a traitor to the human race after you give a mysterious, trenchcoat-wearing stranger a light on a lonely street corner, unwittingly giving the secret of fire to the dolphins and finally making their conquest of Earth possible.
Scorpio You inspire a folksy phrase when you accidentally throw out your infant child with some bathwater.
Sagittarius You have once again failed to find love. Sagittarius respectfully asks you to give up and stop wasting both our time.
Capricorn An energetic, vigorous, lusty young Cancer will sweep you away this week. Chemotherapy will not help.
Aquarius You will be found guilty of conduct leading to loss of life after you decide it would be fun to greet the pizza deliveryman naked.
Pisces You will be given the Legion of Honor by the French for crocheting an adorable pink, yellow and blue cover for the Eiffel Tower.