• Aries Your life this week will be characterized by the same quiet dignity that Ruth Buzzi brought to Chu Chu & The Philly Flash.
  • Taurus You will lose all of your fingers in a folk-music accident when you discover that ìsinging sawsî are not generally of the industrial 240-volt variety.
  • Gemini It is significant that Mars is in your sign this week. This means that it must be mid-September 1998.
  • Cancer The stars greatly admire your desire to work with children, but warn that driving a busload of orphans is probably asking for trouble.
  • Leo Falling from a six-story building into a vat of burning lard will soon be known as ìpulling a Leoî in your honor.
  • Virgo You will have a strong impulse to strike at the very foundations of society this week. Refuse to take proper care of your lawn no matter what anyone says.
  • Libra You will finally achieve lasting peace of mind this week, shortly after a wayward icepick removes your frontal lobes.
  • Scorpio Any hope youíve had of becoming a competent computer programmer will disappear forever, leaving you strangely relieved.
  • Sagittarius You will come across a sign that reads, ìYOU ARE HERE.î Only you can truly say what, if any, spiritual significance this vision holds.
  • Capricorn The celestial portents indicate that you will soon achieve lasting happiness and a deep sense of well-being. Remember, though, that Capricorn has been hitting the bottle pretty hard lately.
  • Aquarius Family expenses threaten to bankrupt you next week, until you find an undertaker who offers a special ìfive for the price of oneî Aquarius discount.
  • Pisces The approaching equinox means only one thing for Pisces: Itís time to get that dumbass Rick another birthday card.