Aries You'll be exonerated when the grand jury admits that you had no choice but to set fire to Grandma.
Taurus You must admit that you're sleeping better than ever, but it's kind of unpleasant to wake up every morning with a blowgun dart in the back of your neck.
Gemini You'll feel faintly embarrassed about your decision to release the beast within when you see how fuzzy and cute it is.
Cancer Those who fail to learn the lessons of history are doomed to repeat its mistakes, which is why the Japanese will launch a bombing raid on you Sunday.
Leo Once again, you'll drink yourself into insensibility while watching the videotape of your 1997 Where Are They Now? segment.
Virgo You will have a violent argument with a pastor, a congressman, and a judge over how many wrongs make a right.
Libra You'll try to maintain a healthy perspective, but you can't shake the feeling that $87 billion is a whole hell of a lot of money.
Scorpio You'll always have someone standing at your side to love you, no matter how many times you try to escape by skipping town in the middle of the night.
Sagittarius You like to think of every day as a fresh new challenge, which would be inspiring if you didn't fail each challenge.
Capricorn In today's high-tech business world, it's good to pause a moment to remember that you're there to sell truckload after truckload of dildos.
Aquarius Despite what the doctor says, you don't have a heart problem. You get excited, your heart stops, you fall down—no problem!!!
Pisces Well, the stars tried, but somehow, you've been left more or less in control of your own destiny this week.
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