Horoscope for the week of September 17, 2003

Horoscope ISSUE 39•36 Sep 17, 2003
  • Aries You'll be exonerated when the grand jury admits that you had no choice but to set fire to Grandma.
  • Taurus You must admit that you're sleeping better than ever, but it's kind of unpleasant to wake up every morning with a blowgun dart in the back of your neck.
  • Gemini You'll feel faintly embarrassed about your decision to release the beast within when you see how fuzzy and cute it is.
  • Cancer Those who fail to learn the lessons of history are doomed to repeat its mistakes, which is why the Japanese will launch a bombing raid on you Sunday.
  • Leo Once again, you'll drink yourself into insensibility while watching the videotape of your 1997 Where Are They Now? segment.
  • Virgo You will have a violent argument with a pastor, a congressman, and a judge over how many wrongs make a right.
  • Libra You'll try to maintain a healthy perspective, but you can't shake the feeling that $87 billion is a whole hell of a lot of money.
  • Scorpio You'll always have someone standing at your side to love you, no matter how many times you try to escape by skipping town in the middle of the night.
  • Sagittarius You like to think of every day as a fresh new challenge, which would be inspiring if you didn't fail each challenge.
  • Capricorn In today's high-tech business world, it's good to pause a moment to remember that you're there to sell truckload after truckload of dildos.
  • Aquarius Despite what the doctor says, you don't have a heart problem. You get excited, your heart stops, you fall down—no problem!!!
  • Pisces Well, the stars tried, but somehow, you've been left more or less in control of your own destiny this week.