Horoscope for the week of September 18, 1996

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Aries Be prepared for financial gain when every member of your armored car robbery team is nerve-gassed— except you!

Taurus A delicious cream-filled pastry from one of the city's finest bakeries will do nothing to sate your unholy craving for cock.

Gemini Alternative rockers Pearl Jam are abandoned on your doorstep by their mother. Do not under any circumstances allow them inside your home.

Cancer All the mayflies, caddisflies and mealworms you could ever desire will be yours if you play your bait shop cards right this week.

Leo A helpful household hint you provide a neighbor will result in her horrible death by cleansing.

Virgo Saturn ascendant in your sign is an omen of profound religious plight. Steer clear of Saturn dealers this week.

Libra Profit and satisfaction can be gained this week by feigning a grand "mall" seizure at the Mall of America.

Scorpio New mindscapes open before you when your cat's ear mites bore their way into your brain's temporal lobe.

Sagittarius Your shock will be mixed with a sense of indignation and embarrassment when a gritty band of cattle rustlers steals your spouse.

Capricorn Everyone will laugh at the come-uppance you receive when Joan Jett storms into your house, breaks every bone in your body, and steals your girlfriend.

Aquarius Obviously, the only solution to your problems is suicide. Ingest an entire bottle of child-strength pain reliever and run yourself through an electric pencil sharpener feet first.

Pisces You will become the darling of the fall fashion season when haute couture designers Ralph Lauren, Bill Blass and Calvin Klein dress you at gunpoint.

More Horoscope

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Horoscope for the week of September ... » (September 25, 1996)

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