• Aries Be prepared for financial gain when every member of your armored car robbery team is nerve-gassed— except you!
  • Taurus A delicious cream-filled pastry from one of the city's finest bakeries will do nothing to sate your unholy craving for cock.
  • Gemini Alternative rockers Pearl Jam are abandoned on your doorstep by their mother. Do not under any circumstances allow them inside your home.
  • Cancer All the mayflies, caddisflies and mealworms you could ever desire will be yours if you play your bait shop cards right this week.
  • Leo A helpful household hint you provide a neighbor will result in her horrible death by cleansing.
  • Virgo Saturn ascendant in your sign is an omen of profound religious plight. Steer clear of Saturn dealers this week.
  • Libra Profit and satisfaction can be gained this week by feigning a grand "mall" seizure at the Mall of America.
  • Scorpio New mindscapes open before you when your cat's ear mites bore their way into your brain's temporal lobe.
  • Sagittarius Your shock will be mixed with a sense of indignation and embarrassment when a gritty band of cattle rustlers steals your spouse.
  • Capricorn Everyone will laugh at the come-uppance you receive when Joan Jett storms into your house, breaks every bone in your body, and steals your girlfriend.
  • Aquarius Obviously, the only solution to your problems is suicide. Ingest an entire bottle of child-strength pain reliever and run yourself through an electric pencil sharpener feet first.
  • Pisces You will become the darling of the fall fashion season when haute couture designers Ralph Lauren, Bill Blass and Calvin Klein dress you at gunpoint.