Horoscope

09.18.02 | ISSUE 38•34

  • Aries Your life is becoming boring, particularly to the people watching through the little peepholes.
  • Taurus You'll deliver triplets in an elevator this week, even though they aren't due for three months and the elevator isn't stuck.
  • Gemini You were brought up to love and fear God, but it's women who you truly love and fear.
  • Cancer Your life has been a wonderful and varied symphony, but the bassoon, lower brass, and tympani are getting more minor-key solos this week.
  • Leo You've always been ready for when push comes to shove, but you'll be unprepared when push comes to uppercut, broken bottle, and meat saw.
  • Virgo You're going to get one more chance to make it right. However, please note that in this case "it" refers not to your life but to beef Wellington.
  • Libra You'll fail to deal with a personal tragedy this week, wasting all of your time trying to determine whether you deserved it.
  • Scorpio Your dream of becoming an accountant is ruined forever when economic circumstances force you to found and direct a modern dance troupe.
  • Sagittarius Though you consider yourself a master of anal sex, you're just a strange combination of hyper-organization and raw sensuality.
  • Capricorn Your future is wide open, an endless ocean of possibilities, as long as you do nothing that takes more than three days.
  • Aquarius The stars have decided that your life needs no changes, at least from their perspective.
  • Pisces Drugs and alcohol are not the answer to your problems. Then again, hard work and self-reliance are, so drugs and alcohol will have to do.

    • Past Horoscopes

    • February 7, 2012

      Aries The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you're supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car. Taurus That person you've been see...

    • January 31, 2012

      Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantl...

    • January 24, 2012

      Aries Your death next week will seem in­explicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub...

    • January 17, 2012

      Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique aff...

    • January 10, 2012

      Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t...

    • January 3, 2012

      Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ...

    • December 6, 2011

      Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it. Taurus You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from gett...

    • November 15, 2011

      Aries They say your problem is inoperable, but they're wrong: It's just incurable. Go ahead and do all the operating you want. Taurus You've never believed you were the poisoning type, but judging from all the news cover...

    • November 8, 2011

      Aries A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it's merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren't actual brothers. Taurus Betrayal, treason, and vile cal-umny will...

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