Horoscope for the week of September 2, 1997

Horoscope ISSUE 32•05 Sep 2, 1997
  • Aries You'll experience newfound popularity after being remixed into an extended dance version by The Chemical Brothers.
  • Taurus A pall is cast over the next few weeks when the stars reveal that Hal Holbrook, your real father, has chosen you to carry on his legacy of one-man shows.
  • Gemini Strange impulses you can neither describe nor explain impel you to take your life savings, drive to Vegas, and put it all on red.
  • Cancer You experience a joyous reunion with long-lost friends this week when your local NBC affiliate begins airing Magnum, P.I. reruns.
  • Leo The stars indicate that your new 225-function, 81-button, graphics-capable scientific calculator will help you obtain sex this week.
  • Virgo After an internal audit of Virgo's books, we have discovered that you owe back payments of $3,421.46. Unless we receive payment immediately, your luck will be canceled.
  • Libra Mars in your star sign indicates that Libra is passing behind Sol’s ecliptic.
  • Scorpio A quick flip through your address book reveals that you have not called Heather in some time.
  • Sagittarius After clearing the negative clutter and distracting reactive emotions from the storehouse of your mind’s inner eye, you discover that you are a gullible, superstitious New Ager.
  • Capricorn You are making great strides in personal growth this week, thanks to the vacuum pump, special weight set and steroid pills you ordered from Club magazine.
  • Aquarius You will be tried and found guilty of several dark and depraved crimes, thanks to your following the advice you received on the Psychotic Friends Hotline.
  • Pisces Trouble at work subsides this week when you finally take your turn cleaning the contacts, headgear and seat of the prison's electric chair.