Aries You'll experience newfound popularity after being remixed into an extended dance version by The Chemical Brothers.
Taurus A pall is cast over the next few weeks when the stars reveal that Hal Holbrook, your real father, has chosen you to carry on his legacy of one-man shows.
Gemini Strange impulses you can neither describe nor explain impel you to take your life savings, drive to Vegas, and put it all on red.
Cancer You experience a joyous reunion with long-lost friends this week when your local NBC affiliate begins airing Magnum, P.I. reruns.
Leo The stars indicate that your new 225-function, 81-button, graphics-capable scientific calculator will help you obtain sex this week.
Virgo After an internal audit of Virgo's books, we have discovered that you owe back payments of $3,421.46. Unless we receive payment immediately, your luck will be canceled.
Libra Mars in your star sign indicates that Libra is passing behind Sol’s ecliptic.
Scorpio A quick flip through your address book reveals that you have not called Heather in some time.
Sagittarius After clearing the negative clutter and distracting reactive emotions from the storehouse of your mind’s inner eye, you discover that you are a gullible, superstitious New Ager.
Capricorn You are making great strides in personal growth this week, thanks to the vacuum pump, special weight set and steroid pills you ordered from Club magazine.
Aquarius You will be tried and found guilty of several dark and depraved crimes, thanks to your following the advice you received on the Psychotic Friends Hotline.
Pisces Trouble at work subsides this week when you finally take your turn cleaning the contacts, headgear and seat of the prison's electric chair.
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