• Aries When you get up tomorrow morning, ask yourself if you really want to throw yourself into the engine of a moving 747. The answer may surprise you.
  • Taurus Though you claim to be a sex addict, the term seems to imply some sort of interaction with living human partners.
  • Gemini This zodiac sign is currently suing you for $4.5 million over your parody hit "Gemini, Gemi-you (There Is Nothing We Can Do)."
  • Cancer You always knew they'd find out about the unemptied wastebasket one day, but somehow you thought they'd be angrier.
  • Leo Remember: Sometimes, a man just has to know when to walk away from the burning school bus on the railroad tracks.
  • Virgo You will find yourself reliving certain parts of your early childhood when an accident leaves you unable to walk or defecate without diapers.
  • Libra The sudden increase in the Canada goose population is a mystery to everyone but you, you sneaky little devil.
  • Scorpio You'd really be better off without that guy who breaks into your house and hides in the shower with a knife.
  • Sagittarius ABC's Wide World Of Sports never thought it'd be able to replace that "agony of defeat" skier, but it didn't bet on you and the dalmatians.
  • Capricorn People just don't understand that when you talk about "Little Elvis," you mean that two-inch-tall Elvis that only you can see.
  • Aquarius You will just barely make People magazine's list of America's 20 Million Most Eligible Aquariuses.
  • Pisces To answer your question of next Monday: Yes, that's all there was to life.