Aries When you get up tomorrow morning, ask yourself if you really want to throw yourself into the engine of a moving 747. The answer may surprise you.
Taurus Though you claim to be a sex addict, the term seems to imply some sort of interaction with living human partners.
Gemini This zodiac sign is currently suing you for $4.5 million over your parody hit "Gemini, Gemi-you (There Is Nothing We Can Do)."
Cancer You always knew they'd find out about the unemptied wastebasket one day, but somehow you thought they'd be angrier.
Leo Remember: Sometimes, a man just has to know when to walk away from the burning school bus on the railroad tracks.
Virgo You will find yourself reliving certain parts of your early childhood when an accident leaves you unable to walk or defecate without diapers.
Libra The sudden increase in the Canada goose population is a mystery to everyone but you, you sneaky little devil.
Scorpio You'd really be better off without that guy who breaks into your house and hides in the shower with a knife.
Sagittarius ABC's Wide World Of Sports never thought it'd be able to replace that "agony of defeat" skier, but it didn't bet on you and the dalmatians.
Capricorn People just don't understand that when you talk about "Little Elvis," you mean that two-inch-tall Elvis that only you can see.
Aquarius You will just barely make People magazine's list of America's 20 Million Most Eligible Aquariuses.
Pisces To answer your question of next Monday: Yes, that's all there was to life.
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