• Aries The stars see great things in your future, but only if you finally stop teasing them about how they failed to predict that whole Princess Di thing.
  • Taurus For the last time: You do not have a magical "stigmata" that causes bleeding at special times. It's just your period.
  • Gemini Remember: The patient tree root has the strength to sunder even the strongest stone. Whatever you do, don't let one of those vicious little things get too close.
  • Cancer Though Mercury is aligned with Venus this week, you should have your alignment done by a licensed Chrysler service center, as you are a 1989 LeBaron.
  • Leo Seek out someone who is on your wavelength to get you through your current crisis. If that fails, try Citizen's Band channel 19 and request assistance.
  • Virgo As a Virgo, water rules your destiny. But you know that what really rules is "Fire" by The Crazy World Of Arthur Brown.
  • Libra Don't sink to the level of your critics. Instead, sink to the much lower level of those who like and appreciate you.
  • Scorpio It doesn't matter if no one else in the sewing circle likes your new "Blood & Iron" plan for improved quiltmaking. What matters is that it works.
  • Sagittarius You will develop a mysterious "Fourth Sense" that enables you to tell if there are things directly in front of you.
  • Capricorn You will be given a second chance in life this week. Be sure to thank the governor for his timely phone call.
  • Aquarius The Sun is in Virgo, and the Moon is in Capricorn this week. As usual, everyone's getting some action but Aquarius.
  • Pisces Few will be able to resist your charms this week, especially if you keep using those $100-denomination charms.