Horoscope for the week of September 22, 2004

Horoscope ISSUE 40•38 Sep 22, 2004
  • Aries You're getting tired of living out of boxes, but if you stop now, you'll damage your reputation as the patron saint of the cardboard cubist lifestyle.
  • Taurus There are those who say you're just a glorified janitor, but you fail to see how the titanium mop and bucket add glory to what you do.
  • Gemini You'll soon learn the important legal and semantic differences between the phrases "folksingers should just die" and "it'd sure be nice if someone slaughtered all the folksingers."
  • Cancer Hey, it's not your fault if the others around the office don't find your horrifyingly racist sense of humor funny.
  • Leo You'll be surprised and pleased to find yourself listed between Leah and Levi in Who's Who In The Bible, but you won't really like what the editors had to say.
  • Virgo You'll be overrun with shallow, boring romance-seekers merely because you genuinely enjoy long walks and sunsets.
  • Libra There's no law about over-enjoying the work of Uriah Heep, but the judicial flexibility built into our society will see that you get what's coming to you anyway.
  • Scorpio Leprosy is certainly not the problem it once was, but that might not be any consolation to you.
  • Sagittarius The National Hockey League lockout will have little or no effect on you, which is fairly surprising, considering you're Lord Stanley's Cup.
  • Capricorn You'll experience a soufflé that sends you into a white-hot inferno of culinary passion, instantly incinerating you and everyone in the downtown restaurant district.
  • Aquarius This week will be prime for advancement at work, as long as you manage to avoid the ball lightning and the other guys don't.
  • Pisces Good news: The airline will only charge you four Frequent Flier Miles for your violently abbreviated flight this Friday.