Aries You're tired of the people at work treating you like an incompetent nincompoop, but upon further reflection, you have to admit they're right.
Taurus You will be chosen to star in a new television adventure series this week. Unfortunately, the show's title is The Constantly Drunk Bus Driver And The Marvelous Mr. Chicken Take Tulsa.
Gemini All your hip, ironic '80s rock T-shirts will wear out at once this week, leaving you feeling despondent and old.
Cancer After being abandoned on a cross-country family camping trip, your beloved German shepherd will cover 2,000 miles to return home and tear out your femoral artery.
Leo The stars in Leo are harbingers of neither good nor evil this week. They are, in fact, massive fusion reactions millions of miles across.
Virgo No matter what happens to you this week, the good people at Virgo are there to help. Virgo... Where People Are The Stars.™
Libra Your long journey toward spiritual perfection will be hindered this week by yet another sexy priest.
Scorpio Your last words will become famous around the world next Friday.
Sagittarius You will enjoy inner peace this week when you finally come to terms with your grandmother's death, almost 10 years after you beat her skull in with a tire iron.
Capricorn Your love life takes a turn for the better this week when you discover a magic passion elixir made from the secretions of Spanish flies.
Aquarius Fire and earth magic are strong in Aquarius this week. Seek out the nearest active volcano and throw virgins into the caldera until you become rich and famous.
Pisces You learn that good intentions don't always lead to good results this week when your plan to unite Russia under a centrally controlled Catholic monarchy leads to the slaughter of 40 million peasants.