• Aries You're tired of the people at work treating you like an incompetent nincompoop, but upon further reflection, you have to admit they're right.
  • Taurus You will be chosen to star in a new television adventure series this week. Unfortunately, the show's title is The Constantly Drunk Bus Driver And The Marvelous Mr. Chicken Take Tulsa.
  • Gemini All your hip, ironic '80s rock T-shirts will wear out at once this week, leaving you feeling despondent and old.
  • Cancer After being abandoned on a cross-country family camping trip, your beloved German shepherd will cover 2,000 miles to return home and tear out your femoral artery.
  • Leo The stars in Leo are harbingers of neither good nor evil this week. They are, in fact, massive fusion reactions millions of miles across.
  • Virgo No matter what happens to you this week, the good people at Virgo are there to help. Virgo... Where People Are The Stars.™
  • Libra Your long journey toward spiritual perfection will be hindered this week by yet another sexy priest.
  • Scorpio Your last words will become famous around the world next Friday.
  • Sagittarius You will enjoy inner peace this week when you finally come to terms with your grandmother's death, almost 10 years after you beat her skull in with a tire iron.
  • Capricorn Your love life takes a turn for the better this week when you discover a magic passion elixir made from the secretions of Spanish flies.
  • Aquarius Fire and earth magic are strong in Aquarius this week. Seek out the nearest active volcano and throw virgins into the caldera until you become rich and famous.
  • Pisces You learn that good intentions don't always lead to good results this week when your plan to unite Russia under a centrally controlled Catholic monarchy leads to the slaughter of 40 million peasants.