Aries An unfortunate typo in the instruction booklet for your new exercise machine results in your developing rock-hard Abs Of Veal.
Taurus Your belief in the omniscience of God will be shaken this week when you happen to see Him lose $78 in a street-corner game of three-card monte.
Gemini You will learn a little bit about other cultures this week when Rabbit, a Native American trickster god, drops a 10-ton safe on your head.
Cancer Your significant other will suggest that you both see other people. Put mace in the heater vents of his or her car.
Leo Life imitates art this week when you are lucky enough to witness two guys walking into a bar.
Virgo Though society has long known the reason for shipping charges, you will gain fame this week when you discover the rationale behind the "handling" charge.
Libra You will receive all the recognition you're ever likely to get when you’re awarded your own star on the Hollywood Walk Of Ineffectuality.
Scorpio You will have a hell of a time explaining to visiting relatives why you're being followed by the floating disembodied head of deceased entertainer Warren Oates.
Sagittarius An abrupt lifestyle change will find you joining the skua, sheathbill and killer whale as the newest natural predator of the penguin.
Capricorn Do not enter the courtyard in the center of the Pentagon. You are a demon, and the courtyard's five-sided configuration will trap you in its confines for eternity.
Aquarius Despite what those eggheads in Stockholm say, you will feel no closer to your captors this week than you did at this time last year.
Pisces Try not to eat anything containing trinitrotolulene this week. That stuff explodes.
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