Horoscope for the week of September 23, 1998

Horoscope ISSUE 34•08 Sep 23, 1998
  • Aries An unfortunate typo in the instruction booklet for your new exercise machine results in your developing rock-hard Abs Of Veal.
  • Taurus Your belief in the omniscience of God will be shaken this week when you happen to see Him lose $78 in a street-corner game of three-card monte.
  • Gemini You will learn a little bit about other cultures this week when Rabbit, a Native American trickster god, drops a 10-ton safe on your head.
  • Cancer Your significant other will suggest that you both see other people. Put mace in the heater vents of his or her car.
  • Leo Life imitates art this week when you are lucky enough to witness two guys walking into a bar.
  • Virgo Though society has long known the reason for shipping charges, you will gain fame this week when you discover the rationale behind the "handling" charge.
  • Libra You will receive all the recognition you're ever likely to get when you’re awarded your own star on the Hollywood Walk Of Ineffectuality.
  • Scorpio You will have a hell of a time explaining to visiting relatives why you're being followed by the floating disembodied head of deceased entertainer Warren Oates.
  • Sagittarius An abrupt lifestyle change will find you joining the skua, sheathbill and killer whale as the newest natural predator of the penguin.
  • Capricorn Do not enter the courtyard in the center of the Pentagon. You are a demon, and the courtyard's five-sided configuration will trap you in its confines for eternity.
  • Aquarius Despite what those eggheads in Stockholm say, you will feel no closer to your captors this week than you did at this time last year.
  • Pisces Try not to eat anything containing trinitrotolulene this week. That stuff explodes.