Aries You'll be thrilled all the way down to your toenails this week when electrodes are planted in the appropriate pleasure centers of your brain.
Taurus You're not evil for contemplating murder. Everyone's done it at one time. You are, however, weak for not having the guts to actually go through with it.
Gemini You'll once again lead the field in crashworthiness tests, but they're starting to take a toll on your health.
Cancer This is a great week for romance at work, which is a mixed blessing for all of you down there at the old slaughterhouse.
Leo While there are certainly many qualities that you'd change about yourself if you could, it's telling that most of them are physical.
Virgo You can understand why the guy would
be proud, but all the same, you're glad
that you're not an Okie from Muskogee.
Libra Try to take the long view: It'll be really cool for the kid who eventually finds your charred skull.
Scorpio It's not true that your best days are behind you. It's true that almost all of your days are behind you, but the best ones are yet to come.
Sagittarius You will discover a sound historical reason why we drive on parkways and park on driveways, but people will choose to cling to smug ignorance.
Capricorn As one who wonders how the world came to be, you're excited to meet your maker. A gentle warning: The person who proposed the trip may have bad intentions.
Aquarius You don't mind having a girlfriend who likes to talk after sex, but the collect-call charges are really starting to add up.
Pisces The stars could reveal your future, but they'd just be repeating what the Love Tester at the fair already told you.
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