Horoscope for the week of September 24, 2003

Horoscope ISSUE 39•37 Sep 24, 2003
  • Aries You'll be thrilled all the way down to your toenails this week when electrodes are planted in the appropriate pleasure centers of your brain.
  • Taurus You're not evil for contemplating murder. Everyone's done it at one time. You are, however, weak for not having the guts to actually go through with it.
  • Gemini You'll once again lead the field in crashworthiness tests, but they're starting to take a toll on your health.
  • Cancer This is a great week for romance at work, which is a mixed blessing for all of you down there at the old slaughterhouse.
  • Leo While there are certainly many qualities that you'd change about yourself if you could, it's telling that most of them are physical.
  • Virgo You can understand why the guy would be proud, but all the same, you're glad that you're not an Okie from Muskogee.
  • Libra Try to take the long view: It'll be really cool for the kid who eventually finds your charred skull.
  • Scorpio It's not true that your best days are behind you. It's true that almost all of your days are behind you, but the best ones are yet to come.
  • Sagittarius You will discover a sound historical reason why we drive on parkways and park on driveways, but people will choose to cling to smug ignorance.
  • Capricorn As one who wonders how the world came to be, you're excited to meet your maker. A gentle warning: The person who proposed the trip may have bad intentions.
  • Aquarius You don't mind having a girlfriend who likes to talk after sex, but the collect-call charges are really starting to add up.
  • Pisces The stars could reveal your future, but they'd just be repeating what the Love Tester at the fair already told you.